Before using any new toys, be sure to familiarize yourself with the controls and how to use the toy.  Fumbling for “how to” in the heat of the moment can ruin the mood.  Be prepared and get to know the toy.  Turn it on, play with the speed controls, be able to control it without thinking about it and getting out of the moment with your partner!

Pulsing Clitoral Stimulators

This type of toy comes from several different brands, but the functions are basically the same.  They really hit the scene in the early 2010’s, according to Biird. They have a small, clit sized opening on them, behind which is a membrane that moves in and out.  This motion creates a suction with intensity and frequency that is typically adjustable.

Playing with these toys to familiarize yourself with them is very important.  These toys have controls that can be difficult to operate in the heat of the moment.  So, you need to know how to operate the toy without thinking too hard about it.  Turn it on, place your finger over the end.  Feel the pulsing on your finger.  Turn the toy up and feel how fast and how firmly it sucks.

Once you place the clitoral stimulator on the clit, your partner should let you know how it feels.  Communicate about faster or slower, and what she likes as you play with the toy on her clit.  Your partner should guiding the intensity.

One of the nice things about this type of toy is that you can fuck while your partner stimulates her clit with the toy.  It’s great for foreplay too!  It’s a great, fun suction toy!

Pussy Pumps

Pussy pumps are another example of a fun suction toy.  These differ from the clitoral stimulators in that they suction on the entire pussy.  Typically, they have a cup that covers the entire labia and clitoral hood.  The purpose is to engorge the vaginal area with blood to increase sensitivity and pleasure.

While pusys pumps are fun suction toys, caution should be used.  You can suction too hard, causing a distension.  Distention is where the inside comes outside.  The goal is for the area to be engorged with blood, not bruised and pulling the insides out.

Because the toy covers the clitoris, it will engorge that as well.  This will increase the pleasure for your partner.

Your Mouth

This is probably the most fun.  Cunnilingus should always have an element of sucking involved.  Using your mouth to suck on your partners pussy is amazing.  There’s a whole post on cunnilingus, so we won’t go over it again.  But adding suction to the clitoris adds a new dimension of pleasure for your partner.  The intimacy of using your mouth to do it only adds to the heat of the moment.  Of all the fun suction toys, the mouth is the most fun.

Conclusion

No matter what toy you try and add to your sex life, communication with your partner is the best way to get the most out of the toys.  Using a clitoral stimulator, pussy pump, or your mouth, you have to communicate with your partner.

If you have anything you’d like to add, contact us at the “Contact Page” link above!

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Where to Place the Hidden Hanging Mount

Make some decisions as to what you want to do with the hook before you investigate where you want it.  Do you need 360 degree access to the submissive?  Will the equipment and the submissive and you fit where you want to be when you install the equipment?  Will you be laying down or doing anything horizontal, like a sex swing, that needs room to move?  We suggest that you make more room for play than you think you’ll need.

Once you’ve decided how much space you need, you will need to find a place where the ceiling is accessible and has enough room.  Preferably without moving a lot of furniture.  Use marking tape to mark the space on the floor.  This will give you and idea of how much space you’ve decided is enough, and then find roughly the center.  Then we’ll need to start building!

How to Build a Hidden Hanging Mount

For Rooms with Accessible Attic Space

Now that we know where we want the hook, drill a hole small enough for a wire hanger to poke through.  Straighten one out, and push it through the hole.  If you got lucky and hit a joist, that’s awesome!  Assuming you didn’t, the hanger is to make the hole easier to find when you get into the attic.  Go into the attic, and find the hanger sticking up.  Bring a tape measure, and a flashlight.  Look for the space between the joists where the hole is and you can access the area perpendicular to the joists.  The goal is to build a platform that you can hang several times your weight off of, across multiple joists (at least 2).

There are several ways to get this done.  Some designs use steel channel bolted across the top of several beams with a long bolt hanging down.  Some designs use 2 by 8 or 2 by 10 boards cut to fit between the joists.  Using wood is the easier and generally less costly.  Cut the boards to fit the space between the joists.  Screw at least 2 together so they stack and fit snug (stacked like pancakes).  Take the stack into the attic and use high quality screws to screw the stack into place through the joists, against the top of the sheetrock, centered over the hole from the hanger.

For rooms without Accessible Attic Space

The most difficult step is going to be finding a joist.  Using a stud finder is going to be the easiest method, or simply knocking on the ceiling and listening for the more solid “thump”.  Once you find the joist, you will just need to cut the sheetrock away to reveal the bottom of the joist.  The floor above you will help spread the load between joists, but you need to be careful that you don’t split the joist when you install the mount point.  If this happens, DO NOT use that spot, you will have to move, it will not be safe.

For both room types

Go back into the bedroom and using the small hole as a guide, enlarge the hole large enough to fit your mount, but not exceeding that size.  You can use a drill or just cut the sheetrock with a utility knife as well.  From here, install the hook of your choice.  Finding a hook or mount that will be quiet might be important to you, as well as one that will move and spin.  This swing hook from amazon is a good example of one.

Hiding the Hanging Mount

Now that the hole is there and the mount point is secure, go buy a good size, the deeper the better, smoke detector.  Don’t spend a lot of money because you are going to gut the unit.  Cut the mounting plate so that the mounting point fits through it cleanly.  Follow the instructions to mount the detector.  This smoke detector from amazon is a good, deep one that will hide well and removes from the base easily.

When you want to play, take the cover off and have a blast!  Then when you are done, put the toys away and slip the cover back on and no one will give that thing a second glance!

What to do with the Hidden Hanging Mount!

Now that it’s installed, you can use your imagination with it!  Get some chain and some wrist restraints and have her stand there and toy with her body.  Get a sex swing (there’s so many kinds!) and you can take turns in it with her pleasing you and you pleasing her.  Use the chain and a weight rated carabiner to mount a spreader bar to hold her in different positions.  Some of the positions invite pain, some invite a mix of pleasure and pain.

Having your sub restrained with cuffs to the ceiling is a good time to introduce some impact play (assuming you have discussed this!).  Play with some household stuff, then spend a little bit of money on Etsy for some nicer things you can customize.

It would be impossible to list all the things you can do with a ceiling mount.  Some people find that one simply isn’t enough and install a second one!  The important thing is that it’s safe, and consensual as always!

Conclusions

If there is anything you’d like to add or ask about this post (or any) please use the contact link above and go to the contact page.

The plan is to include some DIY things for some light to moderate BDSM.  Some of it is from experience, some will be pulled and edited/editorialized from online sources.  None of the advice given should be taken as gospel, and you do anything you do at your own risk.  Overbuild everything.  This post on tumbex.com is a mirror of an old tumblr post with photos for those that need that!

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Local Stores

Going to a local store will give you a chance to ask questions, and feel the products. Theses are the best places to buy sex toys. But, seeing the breadth of products available in person is always fun. It’s always easy to spot a huge dildo molded like two hands and forearms, but seeing it in person is a whole other ballgame. I know it seems weird to touch a sex toy that’s not yours. But, the store is there to help you make an informed decision. Talk to the staff. Yes, it’s embarrassing for you the first time. Communicating is a huge part of sex. If you have a goal in mind, talk to the salesperson about it. Then, you’ll get an informed opinion and some options. After you have spoken to them, walk around the store and look around. Even if this takes a few trips to become comfortable, that is OK.

Talking to the clerk has saved me on several occasions. It’s stopped me from buying junk, or buying something that isn’t what I thought it was. The clerks, in my experience, have all been very helpful in finding a toy that works for my SO. I don’t have a pussy (obviously) so knowing what works from experience is important. They help me with that when I have questions about something specific.

Lovehoney.com

Lovehoney.com is my go to store online. They have excellent customer service, great pricing, and always seem to have what I’m looking for. Joining their mailing list saves you some money too. It sounds like a paid advertisement, but I’m not affiliated with them in any way. I do have an affiliate account with them, but it is not currently linked on this site. Expect that integration sometime soon. I always shop here first. This is what I would call a “trusted site” because they carry name brands and back them with the warranty from the company or their own warranty.

Liberator.com

Liberator.com is my go to for larger things that Lovehoney may not carry. For example, I have purchased a few sex wedges and ramps from them. The sell sex furniture, like a lounger built to accommodate several fun positions. Liberator is a strong name in the industry, and has been around for a while. One of the products they no longer carry inspired me to make my own headboard with hidden restraints. They are great for toys as well, but their selection isn’t as broad as Lovehoney has. What they do carry is quality. I also have an affiliate account with them. But, it’s not something that I’ve done yet on the site. Expect that soon as well.

Etsy.com

Etsy.com is a great place to go for custom items. Once you and your partner communicate and discover something you are both into, get something custom. Personally, I have custom restraints made by Atrocity Shop and I’ve been nothing but happy with their products. I have a full underbed restraint system made by them. Very strong, and very beautiful. My SO says it’s very confortable. We did have an issue with the size of the collar, but Dirk rectified it for me in no time! Etsy has a LOT of stores for dom/sub items, custom restraints, ideas for storage, etc.

Amazon.com

Amazon.com is good for devices that you know the specific of what you want. For example, I’ve purchased a Hitachi wand on Amazon with a speed controller. Amazon is also great for things that aren’t sex specific, but make sex easier. I’ve talked about being prepared in this post. I’ve purchased towels, lube, and sex blankets from Amazon. The blankets we use to protect the bed are extremely soft and water resistant. They are actually pet blankets, but they work really well, and are a fraction of the cost of a sex blanket.

As always If you want to communicate with me, please drop me a ling at contactus@menssexadvice.com!

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Toys are Not the Enemy

Toys are not the enemy. I can empathize with the way you might feel about this. I had insecurities about sex toys, even with my current SO. They stemmed from other issues from a previous relationship. Her desire for a toy has nothing to do with you being inadequate. It’s simple biology that she cannot orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. Attaching negative emotions to things that provide her with pleasure is a losing game. Even if she says she’s OK without the toys, she’s still not getting what she needs from sex. It’s not fair for you to put your emotional shortcomings on her, taking pleasure away from her.

Knowing her anatomy (both in general, and the anatomy of the clitoris) will help you understand why sometimes orgasms just don’t happen vaginally. The clitoris is much larger than you think and sometimes you just can’t hit it with your dick. That’s OK. That is where toys come in. Toys can build and keep the momentum up for her, which you can read about in the linked article.

The real goal is to make her associate you with the pleasure of fucking. That means that you need to learn to use the toys on her. Not every time in every way. But, knowing your partners specific anatomy and what makes her feel good will allow you to add the toys to your repertoire. It’s important to keep in mind that you don’t want negativity to invade your sex life. That means that attaching positive, orgasmic feelings to the act and to the toys, for both of you.

You are More than your Dick

Toys can never replace you, so stop being intimidated by them. It’s not always easy to let these feelings go, I understand that. But, for a happy and healthy sex life, you need to. You have to remember that toys cannot hug, they cannot kiss, they cannot talk dirty or sweetly. Toys cannot dominate her or learn how she likes that one spot on her neck kissed. My point is that there’s a lot more to you than your penis. You shouldn’t think of your partner as only her vagina, don’t think of your body as only your dick.

Using toys to bring her to orgasm is nothing to be intimidated by. It’s simply another tool you need to know how to use with her to get her there. Use them to build momentum, building to her big finale. Don’t get caught up in the mechanism used to get there, get caught up in the fact that YOU did it. I can promise you she’s not thinking “I love that vibrator”. She’s thinking “I love that man, he just made me cum SO hard”. For her, it’s not about the toy. Essentially, think of it like her giving you a blowjob. You don’t think of her as only her mouth. You think of her as her whole self, she’s pleasing you. Not just her mouth.

It’s important that you communicate with her about how you feel and how you intend to get over them. then act on your plan to get over the negative feelings. It sounds counter intuitive, but using the toys to please her is the best route to take. By using the toys, you are actually going to start associating the positive with the toy. Which also means that she’ll start associating the pleasure with you. It will take a few times, and she will need to communicate what feels good and what doesn’t. But, trust me, there will be a shift in the way you think about the toys.

I have a whole post on toys on the blog. I won’t go into the generalizations I have on that post, but there will be other posts about toys in the future. As always, if you need to communicate for a correction, yell at me for generalizing, or have a suggestion about the blog, use the contact us page!

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Communicating with your partner brings you closer together. Sharing desires, wants, needs, all works to bring you closer together as a couple. I know that sometimes it’s very difficult to share your deepest desires. Fear of rejection is very real. And while you are communicating with your partner, you need to read her limits as well. You need to read her sensitivity to your fantasies before you just express them. Expressing fantasies that are a hard line no for your partner is counter productive.

Fantasies are exciting and fun. Sharing them with your SO can make them a reality. Communicating with your SO about your fantasies should be fun! Talking about what you both want from your sex life is a very healthy thing to do. You should be able to hear what your woman fantasizes about. It’s important that you listen and not judge. Fantasies are just that, fantasies. I’m sure there are women that fantasize about being gang banged but would never go through with it. Feeling safe and secure enough to express that is trust. She’s trusting you to let her express that fantasy without judging her.

We need to react to her fantasies the same way you need her to react to yours. There’s nothing wrong with having hard limits. For example, you might not want to ever allow another partner in the bedroom. If your SO suggests that her fantasy is to be DP’d, there’s a way around that. You can use toys to simulate this, and most fantasies. Adding toys and “equipment” to your sex life can be so much fun. It’s important not to be intimidated by them, some men can have problems with it.

When you are sharing your fantasies with your partner, don’t be afraid. It’s important to be reassuring and to expect the same reaction you afforded her. Sometimes it can be shocking, and that’s OK. It’s also important to be able to express your fantasies in a healthy way. No ultimatums, nothing like that. Express what you’d like. For example, if you would like to tie her up and dominate her, say so. If you’d like to be pegged by her, express that.

I feel a longer post coming on about more communication, not just about sex. A lot of my posts assume there’s a healthy relationship dynamic to begin with. But some need help getting there and starting the ball rolling. I’ve watched marriages fail over poor communication skills. Helping keep a partnership alive and healthy is the best way to have your best sex life!

As always, if you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

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Sex toys are there to augment your sex life. The biggest concerns I see online are men worrying about the dildo/vibrator replacing their dick. It does not work that way. A toy cannot hug, hold or kiss you. Toys cannot comfort her, hug her, or be with her during rough times. A toy is never to replace, only augment. So, adding toys to the bedroom should add to both your experiences.

How you use the toys will depend on the toy. We have experience with expensive and inexpensive toys. Without only a couple of exceptions, the expensive toys have been worth their prices. This is my experience with sex toys.

To start, I would strongly avoid buying off Amazon. I know it’s cheap, but it’s not the good kind of cheap. Buying from sex toy retailers will ensure that you are getting the product you are paying for. My SO and I will go into sex stores and buy products so that we know we are getting warranty and quality. You want to stick with the brands you know or have heard of. We like We-Vibe, Magic Wand, LoveSense, and Lelo (among others). There are knock offs of all these products online. The problem with just getting them wherever (or on Amazon) is that they are often made with inferior plastics. Because these products go inside, on and around our most sensitive parts, we need to pay attention to quality.

Lets start with men’s sex toys. As most of you know, these carry a negative stigma. Even in my mind, I still have a mental block against buying them for myself. There is a large variety of toys for us. Shopping at stores like LoveHoney, you will see a big variety of toys for us. Some of them are inexpensive, some are hundreds of dollars. The least expensive male toys are cock rings. These go around the base of your shaft or the shaft and balls. They work to help your body contain the blood in your penis to maintain an erection. You can see the anatomy in this post that makes this work.

On the expensive end of the spectrum, there are completely automated masturbators. You will find that these machines are designed to simulate anything from a blowjob to vagina or anal sex. Because I’ve never tried these machines, I can’t tell you much about them. It’d be interesting to try one, for sure. But I would want to use it with my SO. Solo play just isn’t fun without sharing our kinks!

Lastly, my favorite group of toys, couples toys. Again, you can go from inexpensive to expensive. My SO and I like the remote controlled toys. In our experience, the toys that stimulate her clit while having sex are fun. For foreplay, the womanizer is very fun gently sucking on her clit before I do. It’s important not to be intimidated by something that’s designed to augment your pleasure as a couple, though! Keeping in mind that nothing can replace you, seeing your partner writhe in pleasure should be your goal, no matter the methodology.

Finally, make sure you are having fun with not just the toy, but the selection as well! As always, if you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

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