Defining SubSpace

There are several definitions of Subspace.  The best one I’ve found is at HelloFlo.  They describe it as feeling disconnected and euphoric.  The Bad Girls Bible says that it is like a runner’s high.  The definitions are similar in that they both list loss of time, inability to communicate, raised pain threshold, and a feral feeling.  I’ve discussed SubSpace before on this post,

SubSpace as a Submissive

When your submissive enters subspace, she is giving over herself to you completely.  She is trusting you to please her and yourself.  Your submissive will start to communicate less coherently.  As they give in to you, they will turn into a vessel for you to please and use.  The feelings felt will change from session to session, and submissives will feel different themselves as well.

In general terms, submissives report feeling floaty, disconnected, and in pleasure.  According to the Bad Girls Bible, the feelings vary widely.  Some submissives can be paddled and not feel anything at all, while some report feeling drugged.  Others feel nothing but pleasure, and lose the ability to speak or move.

The Dark Side of SubSpace

SubSpace is dangerous, and if you chose to practice a dom/sub relationship you need to be wary of the dangers.  We discussed a raised pain threshold.  This means the submissive might not be aware of how much damage she’s taking.  As the dom, you need to be aware of this.  Learn both your limits.

If you aren’t in tune with your submissive partner, then you might want to avoid subspace.  Not knowing what her limits are, or her cues for when she might be beyond her limits and unable to articulate them is dangerous.  It can lead to her being pushed too far.  No one wants mental or physical damage from sex!

SubDrop and AfterCare

SubDrop

Many articles online have been written about subdrop.  When the session is complete, it is imperative that you take care of your submissive partner.  When your submissive is in subspace and the session ends, there will be a lot of emotions and feelings that have to be dealt with.  Including exhaustion, hunger, cold, and disorientation.  This can happen anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours after the session.  It would be exaggerated with a sudden, unexpected stop of the session.

Subdrop happens because the endorphins in the brain “dry up”.  When the adrenaline kicks in after a session, and the endorphins are crashing, there’s a response that’s sadness.  That response is subdrop.

AfterCare

The fix for this is Aftercare.  The secret to aftercare is that you both need it.  Aftercare is providing water, food, cuddling, and being present for your submissive.  When she’s in subspace, coming back can take time.  A lot of energy has been expended, and it’s not always easy to return from a space where you’ve submitted your body to someone.

Aftercare will help both of you reset.  I know, as a dom, that I have felt disconnected and “primal” during a session.  The disconnect is similar to what the submissive feels, and you both need it.

As always, if you would like to contact us, reach out on the Contact Page linked here and on the menu bar.

The post The Best Help For Your Submissive in SubSpace appeared first on Men's Sex Advice.

We’ve posted about communication before.  You can see all of our posts about communication here.  Communication needs to be open and honest.  Also, it should probably not happen in the heat of the moment.  Talking about sex shouldn’t be limited to the bedroom.  Talk about it when you are at dinner, or driving around.  It’s really good to discuss your needs and wants.  Sex is a very important part of a relationship.  It’s OK to talk about it and discuss it with your partner!

Limits to her submissiveness

Every submissive will have limits to their submission.  So, discuss this with your partner.  She may not want to be verbally degraded.  Or, there may be words that are triggers for her.  Everyone is going to have limits.  As you discuss things with her, you need to make notes as to what she does and does not want to submit to.  Some women will fully submit, some will not.  People tend to think of the submissive partner as giving control over to the dom.  However, this is not the case.  In practice, the submissive partner is giving over control within their limits.

Remember, limits set by your partner are not exclusive to sex acts.  For example, she may want the lights on or off.  Everyone has different limits, and it’s important not to make her feel bad for having them.

Discussing Boundaries

Discuss boundaries with your submissive.  You need to know what her boundaries are even if she’s not a submitting to you.  But, with a submissive partner it’s even more important.  So, you’ll need to find out what her boundaries are for what sex acts she might enjoy.  Obviously not an exhaustive list, but a partner submitting to you might want to be tied to the bed, or anal.  Maybe, she wants come consensual non-consent (which really requires a LOT of communication).  This is why it’s so important to communicate.

Having all these discussions about her boundaries is really all about consent.  The submissive is actually the person that has the most control in the dom/sub dynamic.  Yes, she’s giving you control for the acts, but only within the boundaries and limits she has set.

Green/Yellow/Red Lights

The light system between you and your submissive is so important, there’s a whole post about it.  Your submissive needs to communicate to you what her go, caution, and stop words or actions are.  Typically, the go words are just simply to communicate “don’t stop”.  With the yellow light, there needs to be communication as to what that means to you as a couple.  The “yellow light” word should be something that makes you both slow down and think about what’s being said and done.  There are a myriad of reasons either of you may need to slow down during sex.  As they say, shit happens.

The red light, in my opinion is the most important light to know.  The “stop” word needs a non-verbal communication as well as verbal.  She needs to be able to communicate to you to stop no matter what is going on.  The last thing you want is a situation where your partner cannot verbally communicate to you to stop.  So, having verbal and nonverbal cues is extremely important.

When Will She be Submissive?

Discussing when the submissive will be submitting to you is important as well.  There are some dom/sub relationships that are 24/7 where the submissive is literally submitting all day.  There’s a “free use” submission where one or both parters are available for any sexual contact at any time.  Then there’s the most common dom/sub relationship, where the submissive is submitting only during a sex scene or session.  Deciding when she’ll be submitting to you is just as important as the limits and boundaries set by both of you.

More about a dom/sub relationship can be found in this article on healthline.com.  They do list some rules and have great suggestions, but the message stays the same.  Communicate with your partner about your wants, needs, limits and boundaries.

If you have anything to add to this, please don’t hesitate to let us know.  Use the “Contact Page” link at the top of the page.

The post How to Start a Dom/Sub Relationship by Communicating appeared first on Men's Sex Advice.

Communication

Communication is a running theme through this blog. The intention is to inform and guide men through some of the questions they may have. This post is about the dom/sub relationship, so make sure your limits and her limits are clearly expressed. Also, make sure she is giving you informed consent, not just consent. Communicating clearly means being specific. If you are comfortable turning her over and fucking her ass, communicate that to her. Communicate that you want to tie her to the bed and use her until she uses the stop word or action. As your relationship and the dom/sub dynamic becomes more common for you, you will both learn each others limits without having to speak.

To dominate your submissive, the talk about her limits and your limits needs to be specific. You need to know if she will allow things that you like. For example, ass to mouth isn’t for everyone even in a dom/sub relationship. Another good example is physical degradation. Spitting, hitting, or spanking without clearly communicating that to her before is really not OK, it’s abusive. Verbally degrading might be OK, and it might not. Communicating about her limits on what you can do to her sexually is important. Does she like anal or getting her mouth fucked? Can you restrain her and make her do those things?

Soft and hard limits are important too. A soft limit may be something like not liking physical abuse, but spanking is OK. Or, she may not like getting her throat fucked, but her mouth is OK. Again, just communicate about it, and listen and watch her reactions during the scene.

Prepare the bed

Preparing the bed means getting the bed comfortable, with pillows and blankets. Making sure that you have the temperature setup the way she likes it. If you have a “sex music” or something similar, make sure that you have that going. Preparing for the scene makes a huge difference in how your submissive handles the scene. Earning and keeping her trust is what you want, and it all comes from these little things. The little things make the big things. When you dominate your submissive, you want her to be comfortable.

Gather the supplies

Gathering the supplies for the scene will help you be prepared for whatever may happen. I would suggest getting a waterproof blanket. Liberator.com has blankets for sex that are waterproof, but we use some of these from Amazon. They are SUPER soft and comfortable. This will protect the bed, and having multiple of them will allow you to keep the bed clean for round 2, or have multiple sessions without having to stop for laundry. If you have underbed restraints, then you should put them on the bed within easy reach now.

Gather some towels for the bed. I would suggest laying out a towel for the toys, laying out a pair of small hand towels for wiping off your hands and sweat. Also, setup some wet wipes for post sex cleanup. I’ve said this before, but never wipe her back to front, always front to back. Doing this will help prevent her getting a UTI. On the towel, place the toys and supplies so that you can reach them easily during the session. Double check to make sure the toys are clean from the last time you used them.

During the session

To dominate your submissive is knowing what you want from her, and being confident about it. You should know what you want to do with her before the session starts. Even if you don’t do all the things you have planned, or change mid stream, that’s OK. It’s nice to have a mental list within both of your limits to so through as the session builds. We’ve learned in this post about momentum and how it works for our partners.

It’s important for your submissive that they feel used within your limits. At least, that’s my experience. Sometimes it’s difficult for us to get in the mindset that we are to take our pleasure from our partner. But, that’s what it takes to dominate your submissive. They are wanting that and taking it is pleasurable for them. So, within your limits, do as you please. Sometimes, verbally instructing her to do things. Other times, just moving her body where and how you want it. It’s important that you watch her body language for any signs of discomfort or reluctance. But, with no verbal or physical stop signal, continue the session.

Aftercare and cleanup

Aftercare starts immediately after her orgasm. Do as she’s directing you or has directed you in the past. Hold her, be with her until she starts to come out of her bliss. With a submissive, she’s been in “subspace” and needs you to help anchor her back into reality. Read this post about aftercare for more detail. Once that’s done, cover her with something soft and expose on what you need to clean her up. Now would be a good time to swap out the blanket with a dry/clean one as well. You can rinse and repeat this whole process as much as you’d like until the session is over.

Now that you are both done, clean up. It’s pretty straightforward. Just make sure you clean up the toys that you used thoroughly. There’s no need to leave any residue on anything. I’d suggest using a toy cleaner, you can pick them up at any adult store or on Amazon. It’s important that whatever you use, it’s safe for toys and safe for internal human contact.

Summary

We’ve built a session from scratch, and talk about all the effort that needs to do into being a good dom. I’m sure I’ve missed some things, but it’s important to pat attention and communicate about everything that’s part of the session with your partner. The most important aspects of this dynamic are communication and aftercare. As discussed in the post mentioned above, no one wants a sub-drop. Planning and preparation are simple things to do that can make the experience a lot more fun.

As always, if you find mistakes, or want to yell at me about something just drop us a line using the contact information on the contact us page.

The post How to Dominate your Submissive appeared first on Men's Sex Advice.

SubSpace

When a person goes into a submissive place mentally, they are going to a submissive headspace. They have given over to you control of their body and their pleasure. They trust you completely. Some people refer to this submission as “subspace”. There are different types of subspace, with some of them lasting hours while others can last days. I know from my experience, if we are on a vacation with just us it can last days.

As with every part of your sex life, this will require deep, trusting communication. I link to that post about communication on every subsequent post because it’s the most important part of sex. Trust and communication are absolutely tantamount to a successful dom/sub (D/s) relationship. The submissive is placing her trust in you to please her. She’s trusting you with her body, mind and her pleasure. It takes a huge amount of faith and trust that you aren’t going to abuse that trust, and that mental “place” is her subspace.

This is where foreplay comes in. Having your partner be comfortable, but submissive, is a good place to be. You can read this post about tying your woman to the bed about foreplay and it’s importance physically. Mentally, this time will be for your sub to get into her subspace. Subspace will put her into an almost trance-like state. She will literally be there for your use, you can fuck her how you want (within the communicated limits). I know in my case, the limits are different when she’s in subspace. She communicates this to me using small verbal and physical clues that you will have to work out with your sub, or just be attentive.

Scene

A “scene” is what a BDSM session is referred to in the community. It is not the act itself, but the whole session where she’s submitting to you. It will include foreplay, discipline (if you are in to that), one or several sex acts, then aftercare. While in subspace, your sub will probably react differently to things that are happening to her. She will react differently to pain and pleasure when she’s in this subspace. In my experience, pain tolerance goes up and pleasure is amplified. This is because she’s not thinking about anything but the sex act and expecting pleasure, she’s in subspace.

Once the scene is done, and you’ve both had your orgasms or the goals of the scene have been accomplished, it’s time for aftercare. When coming out of subspace, you will need to care for your submissive. Hold her, kiss her, let her know and feel that you are there for her. She’s very literally coming down from a high. Tell her she did a good job, praise her performance. Hold her tight and kiss her gently. Cover her body with a blanket. Get her water. Take off the restraints. All these things will help her come back out of subspace. Some couples will use this time to give the submissive an orgasm. We do not separate her orgasm from the BDSM session in my experience.

Avoiding Sub-Drop

All the things above will help pull her back to reality and re-ground her. Not making sure your sub is OK with aftercare can cause a sub-drop or “The Mondays”. It’s from the adrenaline and endorphin crashes that are normal after a scene. Aftercare is an effort to buoy those feelings and fight the tendency for the sub to feel depressed. Sometimes, a sub drop happens despite your best efforts. Try mild exercise or chocolate, as they both release endorphins. Sunshine will also help, increasing vitamin D.

I’ve tried to have great advice for aftercare for your submissive partner. As always, if you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

The post Great Advice for Aftercare for your Submissive appeared first on Men's Sex Advice.

We’ve come to this dynamic through communication. I know it seems like I harp on communication a lot, but it literally cannot be overstated. Working on the dominant-submissive dynamic in action requires great communication and trust. My life experiences drive this blog, so I will be writing this as the man is dominant and the woman is submissive to him. For a more clinical look at the dominant-submissive relationship, there is a Wikipedia article about it. This does NOT mean your experience will be the same. There’s no shame in being sexually submissive for a man, enjoy your sex life!

For us, it started with her asking me to just take her. That is a huge hint, men. If she says “just take me” then do that, just take her. This doesn’t mean “abuse me, I like that”. On the contrary, she’s telling you that she trusts you. Now is a GREAT time to discuss safe words and safe actions.

Safe words typically rely on a green/yellow/red system. Green means what you were doing is OK, feels good, keep going. Yellow means slow down or stop that specific thing. Red means everything stops, and the two of you need to discuss what was happening. There also needs to be non-verbal safe actions using the same system. Non-verbal communication is used when the sub cannot use her voice. The non-verbal communication needs to be something deliberate, like 3 hits with her palm on your body. Something that is clearly not an accident.

As a couple you also need to lay some ground rules. There’s some grey area in this. What I mean is that you can’t lay ground rules for absolutes, nor can you make up rules for every scenario. It’s important that you discuss things and know soft limits versus hard limits. “I don’t like being hit” might be a soft limit for your sub. Spanking is hitting, and while I’d never hit my SO, I will spank her ass bright red. So, that is a soft limit for her. I’ve read where anal is a soft limit for some submissives where they don’t want anal sex, but a finger is OK.

Once you have communicated, have some ground rules, and have the safe words and actions in place, it’s time for the fun part. You can tie her to the bed, or just hold her down using your body. There are a lot of non-restraining way to manhandle and dominate your woman. If you want her to do something, just put her in position and do it. Hold her legs how you want. Flip her over and fuck her prone bone when you feel like it. Since you communicated, you should know that this manhandling turns her on.

In contrast, there are a lot of restraining ways to dominate your woman as well. In the post linked above, there are examples of things to buy that aren’t expensive. Keep in mind you don’t have to buy anything. You can hold her wrists together above her head while you fuck her. You can grab her hair in prone bone or while she’s giving you head. Hair pulling is something that I’ve found is a big turn on, but not too hard. Again, communication is key.

I feel like now is an excellent time to discuss choking. Yes, it’s hot, but you need to learn to do it correctly. Just grabbing your woman’s throat is NOT a good idea. Communicating about what feels right to her is important. Talk about it before you do it, and get a feel for leaving her windpipe alone. It’s difficult to put no pressure on the windpipe, but you can minimize the pressure on it by putting your thumb on one side of her neck and your fingers on the other.

Placing your fingers just below the jaw and pressing into the neck will allow your palm to pull back from her windpipe. This also should line up your fingers with her carotid which you then press on. Your goal is to limit blood to her brain. In my experience, it makes the orgasms much stronger for her when the brain is a little starved for blood. I know this sounds dangerous, but this is where the non-verbal safe actions come in. She needs to communicate with you if she’s feeling like she’s going to pass out.

Any sex act can be taken to extremes. This is true for submissive and dominant people as well. Submissive people can like the humiliation aspect of the act, or enjoy and get off on physical pain. Dominant people can enjoy inflicting humiliation and pain on their submissive partners. There are plenty of videos out there should you want to search for that sort of thing. Degradation also plays into the dominant/submissive relationship, although I wouldn’t consider that an extreme.

Being trusted to be a dom is intoxicating. Having her place her trust and her body in your hands is an amazing feeling. I think a lot of people associate the role of dom as something that means you are an abusive person. That is simply not true. Knowing what someone likes or doesn’t in the bedroom has no bearing on their behavior outside the bedroom.

The dominant-submissive dynamic in action is something I think everyone should explore. With proper planning and communication, it’s a really great addition to your sex life.  As always, if you want to correct me, argue about something, or tell me I’m an idiot, use the Contact Us page!

The post The Dominant-Submissive Dynamic In Action appeared first on Men's Sex Advice.