Communication

Communication is a running theme through this blog. The intention is to inform and guide men through some of the questions they may have. This post is about the dom/sub relationship, so make sure your limits and her limits are clearly expressed. Also, make sure she is giving you informed consent, not just consent. Communicating clearly means being specific. If you are comfortable turning her over and fucking her ass, communicate that to her. Communicate that you want to tie her to the bed and use her until she uses the stop word or action. As your relationship and the dom/sub dynamic becomes more common for you, you will both learn each others limits without having to speak.

To dominate your submissive, the talk about her limits and your limits needs to be specific. You need to know if she will allow things that you like. For example, ass to mouth isn’t for everyone even in a dom/sub relationship. Another good example is physical degradation. Spitting, hitting, or spanking without clearly communicating that to her before is really not OK, it’s abusive. Verbally degrading might be OK, and it might not. Communicating about her limits on what you can do to her sexually is important. Does she like anal or getting her mouth fucked? Can you restrain her and make her do those things?

Soft and hard limits are important too. A soft limit may be something like not liking physical abuse, but spanking is OK. Or, she may not like getting her throat fucked, but her mouth is OK. Again, just communicate about it, and listen and watch her reactions during the scene.

Prepare the bed

Preparing the bed means getting the bed comfortable, with pillows and blankets. Making sure that you have the temperature setup the way she likes it. If you have a “sex music” or something similar, make sure that you have that going. Preparing for the scene makes a huge difference in how your submissive handles the scene. Earning and keeping her trust is what you want, and it all comes from these little things. The little things make the big things. When you dominate your submissive, you want her to be comfortable.

Gather the supplies

Gathering the supplies for the scene will help you be prepared for whatever may happen. I would suggest getting a waterproof blanket. Liberator.com has blankets for sex that are waterproof, but we use some of these from Amazon. They are SUPER soft and comfortable. This will protect the bed, and having multiple of them will allow you to keep the bed clean for round 2, or have multiple sessions without having to stop for laundry. If you have underbed restraints, then you should put them on the bed within easy reach now.

Gather some towels for the bed. I would suggest laying out a towel for the toys, laying out a pair of small hand towels for wiping off your hands and sweat. Also, setup some wet wipes for post sex cleanup. I’ve said this before, but never wipe her back to front, always front to back. Doing this will help prevent her getting a UTI. On the towel, place the toys and supplies so that you can reach them easily during the session. Double check to make sure the toys are clean from the last time you used them.

During the session

To dominate your submissive is knowing what you want from her, and being confident about it. You should know what you want to do with her before the session starts. Even if you don’t do all the things you have planned, or change mid stream, that’s OK. It’s nice to have a mental list within both of your limits to so through as the session builds. We’ve learned in this post about momentum and how it works for our partners.

It’s important for your submissive that they feel used within your limits. At least, that’s my experience. Sometimes it’s difficult for us to get in the mindset that we are to take our pleasure from our partner. But, that’s what it takes to dominate your submissive. They are wanting that and taking it is pleasurable for them. So, within your limits, do as you please. Sometimes, verbally instructing her to do things. Other times, just moving her body where and how you want it. It’s important that you watch her body language for any signs of discomfort or reluctance. But, with no verbal or physical stop signal, continue the session.

Aftercare and cleanup

Aftercare starts immediately after her orgasm. Do as she’s directing you or has directed you in the past. Hold her, be with her until she starts to come out of her bliss. With a submissive, she’s been in “subspace” and needs you to help anchor her back into reality. Read this post about aftercare for more detail. Once that’s done, cover her with something soft and expose on what you need to clean her up. Now would be a good time to swap out the blanket with a dry/clean one as well. You can rinse and repeat this whole process as much as you’d like until the session is over.

Now that you are both done, clean up. It’s pretty straightforward. Just make sure you clean up the toys that you used thoroughly. There’s no need to leave any residue on anything. I’d suggest using a toy cleaner, you can pick them up at any adult store or on Amazon. It’s important that whatever you use, it’s safe for toys and safe for internal human contact.

Summary

We’ve built a session from scratch, and talk about all the effort that needs to do into being a good dom. I’m sure I’ve missed some things, but it’s important to pat attention and communicate about everything that’s part of the session with your partner. The most important aspects of this dynamic are communication and aftercare. As discussed in the post mentioned above, no one wants a sub-drop. Planning and preparation are simple things to do that can make the experience a lot more fun.

As always, if you find mistakes, or want to yell at me about something just drop us a line using the contact information on the contact us page.

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We’ve come to this dynamic through communication. I know it seems like I harp on communication a lot, but it literally cannot be overstated. Working on the dominant-submissive dynamic in action requires great communication and trust. My life experiences drive this blog, so I will be writing this as the man is dominant and the woman is submissive to him. For a more clinical look at the dominant-submissive relationship, there is a Wikipedia article about it. This does NOT mean your experience will be the same. There’s no shame in being sexually submissive for a man, enjoy your sex life!

For us, it started with her asking me to just take her. That is a huge hint, men. If she says “just take me” then do that, just take her. This doesn’t mean “abuse me, I like that”. On the contrary, she’s telling you that she trusts you. Now is a GREAT time to discuss safe words and safe actions.

Safe words typically rely on a green/yellow/red system. Green means what you were doing is OK, feels good, keep going. Yellow means slow down or stop that specific thing. Red means everything stops, and the two of you need to discuss what was happening. There also needs to be non-verbal safe actions using the same system. Non-verbal communication is used when the sub cannot use her voice. The non-verbal communication needs to be something deliberate, like 3 hits with her palm on your body. Something that is clearly not an accident.

As a couple you also need to lay some ground rules. There’s some grey area in this. What I mean is that you can’t lay ground rules for absolutes, nor can you make up rules for every scenario. It’s important that you discuss things and know soft limits versus hard limits. “I don’t like being hit” might be a soft limit for your sub. Spanking is hitting, and while I’d never hit my SO, I will spank her ass bright red. So, that is a soft limit for her. I’ve read where anal is a soft limit for some submissives where they don’t want anal sex, but a finger is OK.

Once you have communicated, have some ground rules, and have the safe words and actions in place, it’s time for the fun part. You can tie her to the bed, or just hold her down using your body. There are a lot of non-restraining way to manhandle and dominate your woman. If you want her to do something, just put her in position and do it. Hold her legs how you want. Flip her over and fuck her prone bone when you feel like it. Since you communicated, you should know that this manhandling turns her on.

In contrast, there are a lot of restraining ways to dominate your woman as well. In the post linked above, there are examples of things to buy that aren’t expensive. Keep in mind you don’t have to buy anything. You can hold her wrists together above her head while you fuck her. You can grab her hair in prone bone or while she’s giving you head. Hair pulling is something that I’ve found is a big turn on, but not too hard. Again, communication is key.

I feel like now is an excellent time to discuss choking. Yes, it’s hot, but you need to learn to do it correctly. Just grabbing your woman’s throat is NOT a good idea. Communicating about what feels right to her is important. Talk about it before you do it, and get a feel for leaving her windpipe alone. It’s difficult to put no pressure on the windpipe, but you can minimize the pressure on it by putting your thumb on one side of her neck and your fingers on the other.

Placing your fingers just below the jaw and pressing into the neck will allow your palm to pull back from her windpipe. This also should line up your fingers with her carotid which you then press on. Your goal is to limit blood to her brain. In my experience, it makes the orgasms much stronger for her when the brain is a little starved for blood. I know this sounds dangerous, but this is where the non-verbal safe actions come in. She needs to communicate with you if she’s feeling like she’s going to pass out.

Any sex act can be taken to extremes. This is true for submissive and dominant people as well. Submissive people can like the humiliation aspect of the act, or enjoy and get off on physical pain. Dominant people can enjoy inflicting humiliation and pain on their submissive partners. There are plenty of videos out there should you want to search for that sort of thing. Degradation also plays into the dominant/submissive relationship, although I wouldn’t consider that an extreme.

Being trusted to be a dom is intoxicating. Having her place her trust and her body in your hands is an amazing feeling. I think a lot of people associate the role of dom as something that means you are an abusive person. That is simply not true. Knowing what someone likes or doesn’t in the bedroom has no bearing on their behavior outside the bedroom.

The dominant-submissive dynamic in action is something I think everyone should explore. With proper planning and communication, it’s a really great addition to your sex life.  As always, if you want to correct me, argue about something, or tell me I’m an idiot, use the Contact Us page!

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