Power exchange and free use are two concepts that can be a significant part of a consensual, healthy BDSM dynamic. Power exchange refers to the exchange of power between two individuals in a sexual relationship.  Free use involves one partner being available for sexual use at any time. However, it is important to approach these concepts with caution and care to ensure that all parties involved are comfortable and consenting.

Power Exchange

Power exchange is a fundamental aspect of many BDSM relationships.  Typically, one partner takes on a dominant role and the other a submissive role.  This exchange of power can be physical, emotional, or both. It can also involve a wide range of activities such as bondage, discipline, and dominance/submission. The dominant partner may give commands, set rules, and make decisions.  The submissive partner may be expected to follow those commands and rules, often resulting in feelings of vulnerability and submission.

Consent and communication are crucial in any power exchange dynamic. Both partners should discuss their desires, boundaries, and expectations before engaging in any BDSM activities. The submissive partner should be aware of the potential risks involved and must have the ability to revoke their consent at any time. Additionally, the dominant partner should always prioritize the well-being and safety of the submissive partner, and should avoid pushing boundaries without clear and enthusiastic consent.

Free Use

Free use is a concept that involves one partner being available for sexual use at any time, without the need for negotiation or explicit consent. This concept can be a part of a power exchange dynamic, but it can also exist independently of it. The partner who is designated for free use may wear clothing or symbols that indicate their availability.  Depending on boundaries, the free use partner may expected to perform sexual acts on demand.

While free use can be a consensual and enjoyable part of a sexual relationship, it is important to approach it with care and caution. Because of this, consent must be ongoing and informed.  The partner who is designated for free use should have the ability to revoke their consent at any time. Additionally, communication is crucial, and partners should discuss their boundaries and expectations before engaging in any free use activities. It is also important to note that free use should never involve non-consensual or non-negotiated sexual activity, as this would constitute sexual assault.

Combining Power Exchange and Free Use

Combining power exchange and free use can be a complex and nuanced aspect of BDSM relationships. It requires a high level of communication, trust, and consent between all parties involved. Power exchange can involve the dominant partner designating the submissive partner for free use.  Or, it can involve the submissive partner offering themselves for free use as a sign of submission.

Regardless of how power exchange and free use are combined, it is important to prioritize the safety and well-being of all parties involved. Consent must be ongoing and informed, and communication should be open and honest. Boundaries should be clearly established and respected, and partners should have the ability to revoke their consent at any time.

Conclusion:

In conclusion, power exchange and free use can be a significant part of a consensual, healthy BDSM dynamic. Power exchange involves the exchange of power between two individuals in a sexual relationship.  Free use involves one partner being available for sexual use at any time. Combining these concepts can be complex and nuanced.  It requires a high level of communication, trust, and consent between all parties involved. It is crucial to approach these concepts with care and caution, and to prioritize the safety and well-being of all partners involved. Consent, communication, and boundaries are crucial in any power exchange or free use dynamic. Boundaries should be respected at all times by all parties involved.

As always, don’t hesitate to reach out through the contact page.

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Consent in a BDSM relationship

Consent is a crucial aspect of any sexual encounter.  This is especially true in the BDSM community, where power dynamics and role-play are central to the experience. BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline/Dominance, Submission/Sadism, and Masochism.  It encompasses a wide range of activities and practices that involve consensual exploration of power, control, and sensation. In order for these activities to be safe and enjoyable for all parties involved, clear and enthusiastic consent is paramount.

Consent is the act of freely and willingly agreeing to participate in a sexual activity.  As a result, all parties involved must be of legal age, have the capacity to make informed decisions, and be able to clearly communicate their desires and boundaries. In the BDSM community, consent is even more important due to the nature of the activities involved. Bondage, spanking, flogging, and other BDSM practices can cause physical and emotional pain.  It is crucial that all parties involved are aware of the potential risks and agree to them willingly.

Safe, Sane, Consensual

One of the key principles of BDSM is the concept of SSC, which stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual. This means that all activities should be done in a way that is physically and emotionally safe for everyone involved.  That is done in a sane and sober state of mind, and that is done with the enthusiastic and ongoing consent of all parties involved. SSC is a cornerstone of the BDSM community and is often used as a way to ensure that all activities are done in a way that is both pleasurable and safe.

In order for consent to be truly meaningful, it must be informed and ongoing. This means that all parties involved must be fully aware of what they are consenting to and have the ability to revoke their consent at any time. In BDSM, this often involves negotiation before a scene, where all parties involved discuss their desires, limits, and boundaries. Negotiation can also involve discussing the use of safewords.  Safewords are pre-agreed upon words or phrases that can be used to stop an activity if it becomes too intense or uncomfortable.

Aftercare and consent

Consent is also important in the aftermath of a scene. Aftercare is a term used in the BDSM community to describe the care and attention given to participants after a scene to help them recover physically and emotionally. This can involve physical acts such as cuddling, drinking water, or applying ice, as well as emotional support such as reassurance or validation. Aftercare is an important aspect of BDSM play.  It helps to ensure that all parties involved feel safe, cared for, and respected.

The importance of consent in the BDSM community cannot be overstated. BDSM activities can involve a high level of trust, vulnerability, and risk, and it is crucial that all parties involved are fully aware of what they are consenting to and have the ability to revoke their consent at any time. Consent is a fundamental aspect of the SSC principle, and is key to ensuring that BDSM activities are safe, sane, and consensual.

Unfortunately, there have been cases where consent has been violated in the BDSM community.  This can take many forms, including coercion, manipulation, or outright disregard for a person’s boundaries and desires. Note that any violation of consent is not acceptable, and goes against the principles of the BDSM community. In cases where consent is violated, it is important for the community to hold individuals accountable and take steps to ensure that all activities are done in a way that is safe, respectful, and consensual.

Conclusion

Consent is a vital aspect of the BDSM community. It is important that all parties involved are fully informed, willing, and able to participate in all activities. In addition, consent should be ongoing and can be negotiated before, during, and after a scene. The SSC principle underscores the importance of consent.  The community should always strive to make sure consent is given and ongoing for all parties involved in the scene.

Rewriting the rules has a good article on this here.  Other BDSM articles can be found tagged to the right, or you can click here for a direct link to everything tagged with BDSM.

As always, don’t hesitate to reach out through the contact page.

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Where to Place the Hidden Hanging Mount

Make some decisions as to what you want to do with the hook before you investigate where you want it.  Do you need 360 degree access to the submissive?  Will the equipment and the submissive and you fit where you want to be when you install the equipment?  Will you be laying down or doing anything horizontal, like a sex swing, that needs room to move?  We suggest that you make more room for play than you think you’ll need.

Once you’ve decided how much space you need, you will need to find a place where the ceiling is accessible and has enough room.  Preferably without moving a lot of furniture.  Use marking tape to mark the space on the floor.  This will give you and idea of how much space you’ve decided is enough, and then find roughly the center.  Then we’ll need to start building!

How to Build a Hidden Hanging Mount

For Rooms with Accessible Attic Space

Now that we know where we want the hook, drill a hole small enough for a wire hanger to poke through.  Straighten one out, and push it through the hole.  If you got lucky and hit a joist, that’s awesome!  Assuming you didn’t, the hanger is to make the hole easier to find when you get into the attic.  Go into the attic, and find the hanger sticking up.  Bring a tape measure, and a flashlight.  Look for the space between the joists where the hole is and you can access the area perpendicular to the joists.  The goal is to build a platform that you can hang several times your weight off of, across multiple joists (at least 2).

There are several ways to get this done.  Some designs use steel channel bolted across the top of several beams with a long bolt hanging down.  Some designs use 2 by 8 or 2 by 10 boards cut to fit between the joists.  Using wood is the easier and generally less costly.  Cut the boards to fit the space between the joists.  Screw at least 2 together so they stack and fit snug (stacked like pancakes).  Take the stack into the attic and use high quality screws to screw the stack into place through the joists, against the top of the sheetrock, centered over the hole from the hanger.

For rooms without Accessible Attic Space

The most difficult step is going to be finding a joist.  Using a stud finder is going to be the easiest method, or simply knocking on the ceiling and listening for the more solid “thump”.  Once you find the joist, you will just need to cut the sheetrock away to reveal the bottom of the joist.  The floor above you will help spread the load between joists, but you need to be careful that you don’t split the joist when you install the mount point.  If this happens, DO NOT use that spot, you will have to move, it will not be safe.

For both room types

Go back into the bedroom and using the small hole as a guide, enlarge the hole large enough to fit your mount, but not exceeding that size.  You can use a drill or just cut the sheetrock with a utility knife as well.  From here, install the hook of your choice.  Finding a hook or mount that will be quiet might be important to you, as well as one that will move and spin.  This swing hook from amazon is a good example of one.

Hiding the Hanging Mount

Now that the hole is there and the mount point is secure, go buy a good size, the deeper the better, smoke detector.  Don’t spend a lot of money because you are going to gut the unit.  Cut the mounting plate so that the mounting point fits through it cleanly.  Follow the instructions to mount the detector.  This smoke detector from amazon is a good, deep one that will hide well and removes from the base easily.

When you want to play, take the cover off and have a blast!  Then when you are done, put the toys away and slip the cover back on and no one will give that thing a second glance!

What to do with the Hidden Hanging Mount!

Now that it’s installed, you can use your imagination with it!  Get some chain and some wrist restraints and have her stand there and toy with her body.  Get a sex swing (there’s so many kinds!) and you can take turns in it with her pleasing you and you pleasing her.  Use the chain and a weight rated carabiner to mount a spreader bar to hold her in different positions.  Some of the positions invite pain, some invite a mix of pleasure and pain.

Having your sub restrained with cuffs to the ceiling is a good time to introduce some impact play (assuming you have discussed this!).  Play with some household stuff, then spend a little bit of money on Etsy for some nicer things you can customize.

It would be impossible to list all the things you can do with a ceiling mount.  Some people find that one simply isn’t enough and install a second one!  The important thing is that it’s safe, and consensual as always!

Conclusions

If there is anything you’d like to add or ask about this post (or any) please use the contact link above and go to the contact page.

The plan is to include some DIY things for some light to moderate BDSM.  Some of it is from experience, some will be pulled and edited/editorialized from online sources.  None of the advice given should be taken as gospel, and you do anything you do at your own risk.  Overbuild everything.  This post on tumbex.com is a mirror of an old tumblr post with photos for those that need that!

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Communication and Warnings about Choking Safely

By now, you and your partner should know if this type of activity would be interesting to both of you.  As part of a BDSM relationship, you should have established a set of rules already.  For example, you should have a red/yellow/green system. Set boundaries for both you and submissive.  Here is a link to more of the BDSM information I’ve typed so far.

Set expectations with your submissive.   Choking is a huge leap of faith for your partner.  She will taken and submissive in a new way.  The act of holding her by the throat is a very dominant act.  According to this article, being choked releases dopamine.  It’s not for everyone.  57% of the respondents to their survey have no interest in being choked.  However, 32% have tried it and liked it.

As the dom, you need to understand your responsibility.  You can kill someone with pressure on their larynx in about a minute.  We will cover some basic techniques to avoid the dangers.

How it Feels During Sex

Being the dominant partner, when you safely choke your partner the feeling is intense.  It feels animalistic and powerful.  You are fucking her, and she’s submitted her life to you.  She’s completely submissive to you at this moment.  I know from experience that when she rolls her eyes back as you fuck her, it’s a powerful feeling.

For the submissive, it can take her to a new place.  Your hand will own her, sliding into her pussy, she will melt.  You can use a little neck-play in your foreplay.  When you are kissing her, slide your hand up her body and lightly grab her neck.  Squeeze, tease her.  Pull your hand away and touch her all over, randomly placing her hand on her neck.

The Proper way to Safely Choke Her

Erotic asphyxiation can be done many ways.  We are only discussing choking, but this article from healthline.com discusses several other methods.  When choking your partner, you need to be careful to avoid putting too much pressure on the larynx.  Put your hand so that you can reach both sides of her neck.  Your goal is to restrict blood flow to her brain.  You don’t want to restrict air flow, only blood flow.  You can see in the photo below where the arteries are that you need to constrict.  Using your thumb and forefinger, compress them to restrict their flow without pressing on her larynx.  This video talk about what I suggest, and calls it a “blood choke”.

When done correctly, there should be no evidence left behind.  No bruising, no bright red skin, only the happy glow of a post orgasm partner.

This causes several responses in your submissive:

Physiological

The oxygen level in her brain will be reduced.  This will make her feel light-headed and dizzy.  Releasing the pressure occasionally will give her a rush, and will flood her with the “feel good” hormones.

Psychological

Being controlled is a power play.  She is putting her trust in you allowing you to safely choke her as well.  All of this puts her in a submissive state.  This is called “subspace”.  Her being in subspace feels like an out of body experience for her.  Typically, the signs of subspace are incoherence, dizziness, and intensified feelings.

Physical

The rush of endorphins is a response the body has to “fight or flight”.  So, the flight or fight response will be confused with the rush or the orgasm and all the pleasure that comes along with that.

The Orgasm

When she reaches orgasm, she will typically cum very hard.  Every sensation is heightened when you are in a state of asphyxia.  We’ve discussed the responses to your choking that your submissive has.  Leading to a very intense orgasm.  Experiencing this is something you will both try to replicate every time you have sex.  As a dom, watching her orgasm that hard is intoxicating.  The incoherence, the loss of control she’s experiencing in a safe space, it’s an amazing thing to watch.

Knowing that you created that for her, that’s power.

As always, click the “Contact Page” link at the top of the page if you’d like to reach out and suggest a topic, or correct an existing one.  We would love to hear from you!

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Small Items

Inexpensive

Small and inexpensive items used in bondage don’t have to be poor quality. With small items, some of what you buy won’t even be sexual in nature. For example, a dull pizza disk cutter is a great tool to stimulate a blindfolded and bound submissive. Something like a paddle doesn’t have to cost a lot of money for a quality toy. When looking for a quality toy, I trust the reviews at a most sites. Examples of other inexpensive toys include under bed tie down sets (That are not leather), or basic body bonding sets, like this neck collar wrist binder. Also, if you are in a dom/sub relationship and your sub wears a collar, you can get day collars very inexpensively that are tasteful and well made. Also, there’s low temperature candles that can be fun too, dripping wax on your partner is hot.

Expensive

Expensive small items for BDSM are items like hand made leather cuff sets, body bonding sets, or metal bondage gear. When you spend this much money, you want to find a good vendor. I have used Atrocity Shop on Etsy and have had great experience. They made me a custom leather restraint set that is both comfortable and easy to use. It was over $400 for the set, and it’s all small things. Some other expensive toys can be solid glass dildos (fun for temperature play with your partner) or, high quality vibrators and stimulators like the Tango from We-Vibe tend to be a little expensive (but so worth it).

Large Items

Large items tend to be expensive. There’s no large item that I would consider inexpensive. Bondage equipment in the large size are things like spanking benches, x-crosses, restraining tables, and stockades. The selection is pretty expansive. Once you and your partner have communicated what your limits are, buying something like this can be a fun experience.

Spanking Benches

Spanking benches are generally custom made to fit or very adjustable so that your partner is comfortable when bound to it. There are 2 basic kinds. One that looks like a sawhorse with adjustable padded mounts on the sides for knees and elbows, and a padded top to lie face down on. The second type is an inclined platform that has a kneeling area behind the platform. Also, it has padded areas for the elbows and strapping points for all of each platform similar to the sawhorse style. Make sure your partner is involved in the purchase so that they can find one that seems comfortable for them as well.

X-crosses

This is a standing sex toy. Your partner is strapped to the board, hands above her head, feet spread. Buying some of the inexpensive toys listed above to play with her in strapped to the X-cross can be fun. Teasing your partner with a vibrator. Kneel in front of her and taste her. Play with her clit with your fingers. Bring her close to orgasm then stop. But, while you do this, make sure she knows you will bring her to orgasm. By making sure she knows you won’t disappoint her, the playing can continue for quite a while. The X-cross can be built to lie down with your partner attached as well.

Restraining Tables

Restraint tables are all over and come in many different sizes and shapes. The basic form is a padded strong table with some attachment points along the sides. But, they do get more complicated. By adding holes for her face to lie face down, adding restraining points along the board itself, you can find varying levels of complexity. So, you can get a table with a lot of flexibility. Having the holes in many places allows your partner to get into many positions. For example, you can pull her to the edge and strap her down with her legs bent to gain access to her pussy or ass while on the strapped down.

Stockades

Stockades can be as simple as a board with a neck hole and arm holes to something built with a stand to hold her bent over or standing. There are many different kinds of stockades, so we will call them anything that is designed to hold your arms and neck together for restraint. When shopping for a stockade, find one that fits your space and your wants as a couple. Buy one that fits what you both want. So, get creative. A set of stockades could be mounted to the back of an X-cross stand.

Having fun with this is the point. Buying these toys should be decided on by both of you.

If you have any suggestions for this post, or any, contact us at contactus@menssexadvice.com! Always, we’d love to hear from you!

The post What’s The Best Bondage Equipment And Tools? appeared first on Men's Sex Advice.

Communication

Communication is a running theme through this blog. The intention is to inform and guide men through some of the questions they may have. This post is about the dom/sub relationship, so make sure your limits and her limits are clearly expressed. Also, make sure she is giving you informed consent, not just consent. Communicating clearly means being specific. If you are comfortable turning her over and fucking her ass, communicate that to her. Communicate that you want to tie her to the bed and use her until she uses the stop word or action. As your relationship and the dom/sub dynamic becomes more common for you, you will both learn each others limits without having to speak.

To dominate your submissive, the talk about her limits and your limits needs to be specific. You need to know if she will allow things that you like. For example, ass to mouth isn’t for everyone even in a dom/sub relationship. Another good example is physical degradation. Spitting, hitting, or spanking without clearly communicating that to her before is really not OK, it’s abusive. Verbally degrading might be OK, and it might not. Communicating about her limits on what you can do to her sexually is important. Does she like anal or getting her mouth fucked? Can you restrain her and make her do those things?

Soft and hard limits are important too. A soft limit may be something like not liking physical abuse, but spanking is OK. Or, she may not like getting her throat fucked, but her mouth is OK. Again, just communicate about it, and listen and watch her reactions during the scene.

Prepare the bed

Preparing the bed means getting the bed comfortable, with pillows and blankets. Making sure that you have the temperature setup the way she likes it. If you have a “sex music” or something similar, make sure that you have that going. Preparing for the scene makes a huge difference in how your submissive handles the scene. Earning and keeping her trust is what you want, and it all comes from these little things. The little things make the big things. When you dominate your submissive, you want her to be comfortable.

Gather the supplies

Gathering the supplies for the scene will help you be prepared for whatever may happen. I would suggest getting a waterproof blanket. Liberator.com has blankets for sex that are waterproof, but we use some of these from Amazon. They are SUPER soft and comfortable. This will protect the bed, and having multiple of them will allow you to keep the bed clean for round 2, or have multiple sessions without having to stop for laundry. If you have underbed restraints, then you should put them on the bed within easy reach now.

Gather some towels for the bed. I would suggest laying out a towel for the toys, laying out a pair of small hand towels for wiping off your hands and sweat. Also, setup some wet wipes for post sex cleanup. I’ve said this before, but never wipe her back to front, always front to back. Doing this will help prevent her getting a UTI. On the towel, place the toys and supplies so that you can reach them easily during the session. Double check to make sure the toys are clean from the last time you used them.

During the session

To dominate your submissive is knowing what you want from her, and being confident about it. You should know what you want to do with her before the session starts. Even if you don’t do all the things you have planned, or change mid stream, that’s OK. It’s nice to have a mental list within both of your limits to so through as the session builds. We’ve learned in this post about momentum and how it works for our partners.

It’s important for your submissive that they feel used within your limits. At least, that’s my experience. Sometimes it’s difficult for us to get in the mindset that we are to take our pleasure from our partner. But, that’s what it takes to dominate your submissive. They are wanting that and taking it is pleasurable for them. So, within your limits, do as you please. Sometimes, verbally instructing her to do things. Other times, just moving her body where and how you want it. It’s important that you watch her body language for any signs of discomfort or reluctance. But, with no verbal or physical stop signal, continue the session.

Aftercare and cleanup

Aftercare starts immediately after her orgasm. Do as she’s directing you or has directed you in the past. Hold her, be with her until she starts to come out of her bliss. With a submissive, she’s been in “subspace” and needs you to help anchor her back into reality. Read this post about aftercare for more detail. Once that’s done, cover her with something soft and expose on what you need to clean her up. Now would be a good time to swap out the blanket with a dry/clean one as well. You can rinse and repeat this whole process as much as you’d like until the session is over.

Now that you are both done, clean up. It’s pretty straightforward. Just make sure you clean up the toys that you used thoroughly. There’s no need to leave any residue on anything. I’d suggest using a toy cleaner, you can pick them up at any adult store or on Amazon. It’s important that whatever you use, it’s safe for toys and safe for internal human contact.

Summary

We’ve built a session from scratch, and talk about all the effort that needs to do into being a good dom. I’m sure I’ve missed some things, but it’s important to pat attention and communicate about everything that’s part of the session with your partner. The most important aspects of this dynamic are communication and aftercare. As discussed in the post mentioned above, no one wants a sub-drop. Planning and preparation are simple things to do that can make the experience a lot more fun.

As always, if you find mistakes, or want to yell at me about something just drop us a line using the contact information on the contact us page.

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Have read many articles and posts about CNC, sometimes it stems from trauma. If this is the case with your woman, make sure she’s really OK going into CNC. Know that even if there is no trauma, she will need aftercare. Now, lets talk about CNC itself.

Consensual non-consent is all about forcing yourself onto your partner. Some people refer to this as rape-play, but I prefer CNC. Rape-play has too many negative connotations, in my opinion. So, She wants you to force yourself onto her. This means when she says no, you keep going. She she squirms away, you pull her back. She tries to fight, and you pin her arms down and force her. Your mindset needs to be not to hurt her, but to please her by forcing her to do your bidding.

For me, this seems daunting. I don’t want to hurt my SO, but CNC would involve hurting her to some extent. With roughness that comes with CNC, some of this will happen. Bruises, red marks, things like that are bound (ha – a pun) to happen as the CNC progresses through the scene. Knowing this going in will help deal with the marks afterward.

The “non-consent” aspect of this arrangement means the dom needs to force the sub to perform. Consent was given previously by the sub, the dom needs to force the issue until a safe word or safe action is used. The sub wants this, and watching her body will be telltale to you that she’s into it even when she’s struggling. A CNC scene can be elaborate if the couple desires. He can dress as an actual attacker. After she falls asleep he can sneak in and wake her in the attack. It’s up to the couple to decide on the realism and spontaneity of the scene.

Another important note about CNC is that for rape victims it can be therapeutic. The rape victim will be able to start associating something pleasurable with the experience. The important aspect of CNC is that the dom respect her limits. Making sure she has control of the events (vagina may be OK, anal may not) will help associate control with the event. The scene needs to be totally controlled by the sub. If the dom cannot respect this, or makes the sub feel disrespected, then the scene should stop.

As you think about this essential advice for CNC in your bedroom and you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

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The key question today is about consent. Are you being given consent or taking it? After describing a BDSM scene with sex, she talks about loving it, but only in the heat of the moment. So, realizing this, she’s coming to terms with here past and her present. Some of the things she discusses are things that would break anyone’s trust. For example, he didn’t listen to her about her own orgasms and continued to use lube she told him she was allergic to. Also, he would require that she tell him he’s the biggest and the best she’s ever been with. All of these things are clearly red flags!

So, how do we get over this? BDSM is fun, I enjoy it with my SO. While we do enjoy rougher sex, it doesn’t mean it’s abuse. She give me her consent, I do not take it. Earning her trust and consent is one of the sexiest things she can give me.

Guilt in pleasure is something no one wants to have to deal with. So, we need to find ways to deal with our past while not feeling guilty about things that make us feel good. With that in mind, talking to your partner is the best place to start.

When I discuss consent, I’m always talking about informed consent. Informed consent is knowing that both partners understand what all the terms and actions mean. Consent is given only after both parties are satisfied that both parties are informed and understand.

If this has happened to your partner, there are things that you can do to help her feel safe and free to feel good. For example, asking her permission before sex even starts to try a few things. Want to choke her, toss her around, us a finger in her ass while you fuck her, ask before sex. Consent is sexy, and so is verbalizing the things you want to do to her. Trust me men, this will be very sexy for her. But more than that, it puts the control in her hands. She’s going to be able to enjoy the sex with you because your desire to get her permission and your desire to to those things to her are hot.

This bring us to aftercare. Getting permission before is sexy, but so is aftercare. Read the linked post for more information if you’d like. But the gist of the post is that you need to help your submissive after sex as they come out of their subspace.

As always, if you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

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SubSpace

When a person goes into a submissive place mentally, they are going to a submissive headspace. They have given over to you control of their body and their pleasure. They trust you completely. Some people refer to this submission as “subspace”. There are different types of subspace, with some of them lasting hours while others can last days. I know from my experience, if we are on a vacation with just us it can last days.

As with every part of your sex life, this will require deep, trusting communication. I link to that post about communication on every subsequent post because it’s the most important part of sex. Trust and communication are absolutely tantamount to a successful dom/sub (D/s) relationship. The submissive is placing her trust in you to please her. She’s trusting you with her body, mind and her pleasure. It takes a huge amount of faith and trust that you aren’t going to abuse that trust, and that mental “place” is her subspace.

This is where foreplay comes in. Having your partner be comfortable, but submissive, is a good place to be. You can read this post about tying your woman to the bed about foreplay and it’s importance physically. Mentally, this time will be for your sub to get into her subspace. Subspace will put her into an almost trance-like state. She will literally be there for your use, you can fuck her how you want (within the communicated limits). I know in my case, the limits are different when she’s in subspace. She communicates this to me using small verbal and physical clues that you will have to work out with your sub, or just be attentive.

Scene

A “scene” is what a BDSM session is referred to in the community. It is not the act itself, but the whole session where she’s submitting to you. It will include foreplay, discipline (if you are in to that), one or several sex acts, then aftercare. While in subspace, your sub will probably react differently to things that are happening to her. She will react differently to pain and pleasure when she’s in this subspace. In my experience, pain tolerance goes up and pleasure is amplified. This is because she’s not thinking about anything but the sex act and expecting pleasure, she’s in subspace.

Once the scene is done, and you’ve both had your orgasms or the goals of the scene have been accomplished, it’s time for aftercare. When coming out of subspace, you will need to care for your submissive. Hold her, kiss her, let her know and feel that you are there for her. She’s very literally coming down from a high. Tell her she did a good job, praise her performance. Hold her tight and kiss her gently. Cover her body with a blanket. Get her water. Take off the restraints. All these things will help her come back out of subspace. Some couples will use this time to give the submissive an orgasm. We do not separate her orgasm from the BDSM session in my experience.

Avoiding Sub-Drop

All the things above will help pull her back to reality and re-ground her. Not making sure your sub is OK with aftercare can cause a sub-drop or “The Mondays”. It’s from the adrenaline and endorphin crashes that are normal after a scene. Aftercare is an effort to buoy those feelings and fight the tendency for the sub to feel depressed. Sometimes, a sub drop happens despite your best efforts. Try mild exercise or chocolate, as they both release endorphins. Sunshine will also help, increasing vitamin D.

I’ve tried to have great advice for aftercare for your submissive partner. As always, if you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

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We’ve come to this dynamic through communication. I know it seems like I harp on communication a lot, but it literally cannot be overstated. Working on the dominant-submissive dynamic in action requires great communication and trust. My life experiences drive this blog, so I will be writing this as the man is dominant and the woman is submissive to him. For a more clinical look at the dominant-submissive relationship, there is a Wikipedia article about it. This does NOT mean your experience will be the same. There’s no shame in being sexually submissive for a man, enjoy your sex life!

For us, it started with her asking me to just take her. That is a huge hint, men. If she says “just take me” then do that, just take her. This doesn’t mean “abuse me, I like that”. On the contrary, she’s telling you that she trusts you. Now is a GREAT time to discuss safe words and safe actions.

Safe words typically rely on a green/yellow/red system. Green means what you were doing is OK, feels good, keep going. Yellow means slow down or stop that specific thing. Red means everything stops, and the two of you need to discuss what was happening. There also needs to be non-verbal safe actions using the same system. Non-verbal communication is used when the sub cannot use her voice. The non-verbal communication needs to be something deliberate, like 3 hits with her palm on your body. Something that is clearly not an accident.

As a couple you also need to lay some ground rules. There’s some grey area in this. What I mean is that you can’t lay ground rules for absolutes, nor can you make up rules for every scenario. It’s important that you discuss things and know soft limits versus hard limits. “I don’t like being hit” might be a soft limit for your sub. Spanking is hitting, and while I’d never hit my SO, I will spank her ass bright red. So, that is a soft limit for her. I’ve read where anal is a soft limit for some submissives where they don’t want anal sex, but a finger is OK.

Once you have communicated, have some ground rules, and have the safe words and actions in place, it’s time for the fun part. You can tie her to the bed, or just hold her down using your body. There are a lot of non-restraining way to manhandle and dominate your woman. If you want her to do something, just put her in position and do it. Hold her legs how you want. Flip her over and fuck her prone bone when you feel like it. Since you communicated, you should know that this manhandling turns her on.

In contrast, there are a lot of restraining ways to dominate your woman as well. In the post linked above, there are examples of things to buy that aren’t expensive. Keep in mind you don’t have to buy anything. You can hold her wrists together above her head while you fuck her. You can grab her hair in prone bone or while she’s giving you head. Hair pulling is something that I’ve found is a big turn on, but not too hard. Again, communication is key.

I feel like now is an excellent time to discuss choking. Yes, it’s hot, but you need to learn to do it correctly. Just grabbing your woman’s throat is NOT a good idea. Communicating about what feels right to her is important. Talk about it before you do it, and get a feel for leaving her windpipe alone. It’s difficult to put no pressure on the windpipe, but you can minimize the pressure on it by putting your thumb on one side of her neck and your fingers on the other.

Placing your fingers just below the jaw and pressing into the neck will allow your palm to pull back from her windpipe. This also should line up your fingers with her carotid which you then press on. Your goal is to limit blood to her brain. In my experience, it makes the orgasms much stronger for her when the brain is a little starved for blood. I know this sounds dangerous, but this is where the non-verbal safe actions come in. She needs to communicate with you if she’s feeling like she’s going to pass out.

Any sex act can be taken to extremes. This is true for submissive and dominant people as well. Submissive people can like the humiliation aspect of the act, or enjoy and get off on physical pain. Dominant people can enjoy inflicting humiliation and pain on their submissive partners. There are plenty of videos out there should you want to search for that sort of thing. Degradation also plays into the dominant/submissive relationship, although I wouldn’t consider that an extreme.

Being trusted to be a dom is intoxicating. Having her place her trust and her body in your hands is an amazing feeling. I think a lot of people associate the role of dom as something that means you are an abusive person. That is simply not true. Knowing what someone likes or doesn’t in the bedroom has no bearing on their behavior outside the bedroom.

The dominant-submissive dynamic in action is something I think everyone should explore. With proper planning and communication, it’s a really great addition to your sex life.  As always, if you want to correct me, argue about something, or tell me I’m an idiot, use the Contact Us page!

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