How Orgasms Feel

You should be able to tell when your partner has an orgasm.  In general, if she doesn’t know or isn’t sure, then it likely didn’t happen.  I realize I might catch shit for saying that, but in my experience, if your partner can’t tell it hasn’t happened.  When your partner has a good orgasm, her pussy with tighten and pulse around your dick.  She might vocalize and shut her eyes.  Some women are squirters as well.

Orgasmic Reactions

Orgasmic reactions can be really strong.  We need to learn how to react to her orgasmic reactions.  Laughing, crying, shaking and shuddering are all things that can happen.  If you aren’t prepared for it, they can be shocking.  It’s always a surprise when everything is euphoric, and suddenly your partner is crying.  Expecting a strong reaction will help you be ready, even if there’s not one.  The orgasmic reactions like laughing can be such a surprise that it might stop your ability to climax.  The Guardian has a story about that exact situation.

Crying during an orgasm has a name, it’s called “crymaxing”.  Knowing WHY your partner is crying should help alleviate any concerns it may cause.  PubMed has a study where all these reactions are called “peri-orgasmic phenomena”.  It’s from the cascade of hormones that the brain produces.  Flooding with dopamine and oxytocin.  There’s a whole reddit thread about some women relaying that it happens to them regularly.

Orgasmic reactions can cause shuddering, stiffening of her entire body, loss of control of her bladder, inability to speak or walk.  It’s fun to learn about these things with your partner if she doesn’t know.

How to React to her Orgasmic Reactions

In the reddit post listed above, you can read about a variety of women having crymax orgasms.  You should read your partner and see what they want you to do.  Aftercare is something we’ve discussed before here.  You should ask your partner what she wants, and hopefully she knows how she’s going to react to her orgasm.  That should help guide you to your reaction to her orgasmic reaction.

If she’s not able to anticipate her reaction to her orgasm, you need to be ready with some ideas.  Lie down next to her and hold her, put a hand on her to remind her you are there, or just lie there and gently touch.  Every woman will have a different need during this time, so you need to pay attention to her reactions to what you are trying.

Conclusion

In the end, it’s all about being there for your partner.  So, anticipate, be prepared, and have fun!  As always, if there’s something that you want to let us know, use the Contact page to get ahold of us!

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Defining SubSpace

There are several definitions of Subspace.  The best one I’ve found is at HelloFlo.  They describe it as feeling disconnected and euphoric.  The Bad Girls Bible says that it is like a runner’s high.  The definitions are similar in that they both list loss of time, inability to communicate, raised pain threshold, and a feral feeling.  I’ve discussed SubSpace before on this post,

SubSpace as a Submissive

When your submissive enters subspace, she is giving over herself to you completely.  She is trusting you to please her and yourself.  Your submissive will start to communicate less coherently.  As they give in to you, they will turn into a vessel for you to please and use.  The feelings felt will change from session to session, and submissives will feel different themselves as well.

In general terms, submissives report feeling floaty, disconnected, and in pleasure.  According to the Bad Girls Bible, the feelings vary widely.  Some submissives can be paddled and not feel anything at all, while some report feeling drugged.  Others feel nothing but pleasure, and lose the ability to speak or move.

The Dark Side of SubSpace

SubSpace is dangerous, and if you chose to practice a dom/sub relationship you need to be wary of the dangers.  We discussed a raised pain threshold.  This means the submissive might not be aware of how much damage she’s taking.  As the dom, you need to be aware of this.  Learn both your limits.

If you aren’t in tune with your submissive partner, then you might want to avoid subspace.  Not knowing what her limits are, or her cues for when she might be beyond her limits and unable to articulate them is dangerous.  It can lead to her being pushed too far.  No one wants mental or physical damage from sex!

SubDrop and AfterCare

SubDrop

Many articles online have been written about subdrop.  When the session is complete, it is imperative that you take care of your submissive partner.  When your submissive is in subspace and the session ends, there will be a lot of emotions and feelings that have to be dealt with.  Including exhaustion, hunger, cold, and disorientation.  This can happen anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours after the session.  It would be exaggerated with a sudden, unexpected stop of the session.

Subdrop happens because the endorphins in the brain “dry up”.  When the adrenaline kicks in after a session, and the endorphins are crashing, there’s a response that’s sadness.  That response is subdrop.

AfterCare

The fix for this is Aftercare.  The secret to aftercare is that you both need it.  Aftercare is providing water, food, cuddling, and being present for your submissive.  When she’s in subspace, coming back can take time.  A lot of energy has been expended, and it’s not always easy to return from a space where you’ve submitted your body to someone.

Aftercare will help both of you reset.  I know, as a dom, that I have felt disconnected and “primal” during a session.  The disconnect is similar to what the submissive feels, and you both need it.

As always, if you would like to contact us, reach out on the Contact Page linked here and on the menu bar.

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The Whole Kit

Keep the items you’ll use for sex in a convenient place, together.   Sometimes, the toys can get out of hand.  Currently, that’s my situation.  I am looking for a good way to organize all our toys right now.  So, keep in mind storage and organization when you plan your kit.  We’ve talked about the toys before, so this post will focus more on cleanup than kit contents.

Cleanup Contents of the Kit

Wet Wipes

Most important, wet wipes.  Baby wipes, whatever you want to call them.  They pick up bodily fluids well, they are the right size, and they are convenient.  Have these on the bed with you or nearby so you can clean your partner up quickly.  When you cum in or on your partner, using a wet wipe to clean her up will help her avoid getting an IUD.

Towels

Towels are for both you and your partner.  If you don’t have a sex blanket to keep the bed dry, use towels.  Once you’ve wiped down both yourself and your partner, dry off with a towel.  Dry off your sweat from the exertion and fund of the sex.  Keep a couple of small towels and a large towel handy.  It is a small thing that is a huge help!

How to Cleanup Your Partner

You have to be careful when you are cleaning up your partner.  Some women get UTI’s easier than others.  A UTI is a Urinary Tract Infection.  They are painful.  You can see on this post the basic anatomy of your partner (and in the photo above).   Pay attention to how you wipe your partner.  You CANNOT go from bottom to top. Keep anything from the anus area and as much of the vulva as you can away from the “top” of the vagina.

Your goal is to keep the bodily fluids away from the urethral opening.  Keeping this clean will save her from a lot of pain and having to deal with a UTI.   Cleaning up your partner and doing it correctly is a big part of aftercare as well.

It is best for your partner to urinate after sex.  This Healthline article discusses this at #2.  But, that article is non-commital about peeing after sex.  Flushing her privates after sex makes sense.

Aftercare

Cleanup is a big part of aftercare.  Cleaning your partner gives you the opportunity to care for a part of her she doesn’t share with many.  Cleanup can be intimate and fun, I know we try to make it as fun and intimate as we can!  Aftercare is not just for dominant/submissive relationships.  It is for any relationship.

As always, don’t hesitate to reach out and ask questions or suggest changes or subjects you’d like to see written about.  Just use our Contact Page!

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Sex is messy

Prepare for how messy sex can be. Think about the things you like to do during sex, and what you partner likes as well. For example, if your partner doesn’t swallow and you like blowjobs, have something ready to help her clean up. If you both like anal, which we know requires a lot of lube, have extra hand towels ready. Place the used or messy toys on a hand towel laid out on the bed. Lay a towel or a sex blanket under her before sex starts to keep the bed clean. Also, having baby wipes ready to clean up is a simple thing to do that will be appreciated.

Clean your partner after sex. It is an act of aftercare. But, don’t be bad at it. No one wants a UTI, and if you clean her poorly you could contribute to one. Never wipe back to front. Never clean her pussy with a wipe that’s been used anywhere else. Just grab a new wipe, and clean all round, including all the labial folds and around her clitoris.

Sex is fun

Toys

For some couples, toys are ubiquitous and will be present at every session. For others, they will make a rare appearance. So, have the toys in an organized place. For example, I’m working on finding an upright wardrobe travel chest to purpose into our toy chest. I plan on adding power to it. It will also have cut outs for each shape of the toy. Have the toys together keeps them organized, and makes gathering them up for the session so much easier.

Move the toys to the bed, or nightstand. Use a towel to put them on the bed. This not only keeps them together, but the towel will work to keep them from getting lost in the bed. Keep a clean hand towel on the bed as well for the used toys to be placed on. Being prepared for sex is not difficult, it just takes a bit of planning. Keep everything organized before sex means everything will go more smoothly during the session.

Equipment

Get your equipment ready before the session as well. It’s all part of being prepared for sex. When I speak of equipment, I am referring to things like blindfolds, wrist and ankle cuffs, a sex swing, under bed straps, basically anything that’s not a toy. Getting this ready and setup will make the session go so much smoother. When you use this type of equipment, keep in mind that there are things that need to be communicated in the dom/sub relationship discussed here.

Being Prepared for Sex

The key to all this is just being prepared for whatever you may want to do. Be ready for whatever you might reasonably expect during a session. Sex is messy, sex is fun, and being prepared for sex is sexy (at least according to my girl).

There are things that you can do outside the bed in the bedroom to make it more inviting. Here is a good article on Prague Post with some great ideas. Turn your bedroom into a place where you either sleep or have sex. Mentally, this will train your brain for sleep or sex in that room.

If you can think of anything to add, or a subject you want us to cover, please contact us through our contact us page!

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Post Orgasmic Reactions

We all experience post-orgasmic reactions. There are times when I tear up, my SO laughs/cries sometimes. It’s all a good thing. People have a broad range of reactions to the extreme emotions during orgasm. People cry, laugh, swear, praise God, some even yawn. But it’s important to know that these are usually pleasurable reactions.

These reactions are called “peri-orgasmic phenomena”. There was a 2017 study by the NIH that studied literature references during peri-orgasmic moments. The study found that while most are pleasurable, some include weakness (this happens to me), facial or ear pain, or headaches. I’ve never felt pain, and neither has my SO to my knowledge. I have seen my SO laugh/cry many times. It can be sort of scary the first time your partner starts crying after sex. But, just hold her until she can talk to you about it. It’s very likely just an overload of emotions.

Orgasms and the Brain

There are over 30 areas of the brain engaged during an orgasm as seen in MRI scans during an orgasm. Having an orgasm engages the parts of the brain that control memory, emotions, euphoria, impulse control, empathy, and subconscious body control. The brain is a very busy place as you have sex and orgasm!

Post orgasmic reactions are caused by hormones. When we have an orgasm, there’s a huge rush of “feel good” hormones that hit our brain. Oxytocin and dopamine at these levels cause a physical reaction in us. Oxytocin is a “cuddle” hormone while dopamine is a happy hormone. Crying is an emotional release, and is not exclusive to sadness or pain.

Laughing or Crying

Crying or laughing after an orgasm, as you can see, comes from an overwhelming amount of emotion and hormone cascade. If this happens to your partner, just remember to reassure her that you are there for her. Let her get through the moment, and express to you what is happening emotionally. Once she has come down from her high, communicate and make sure she’s OK. Hold her, comfort her. Communicating about it should be reassuring for you as well as her. You need to be sure that her emotions were based on pleasure

As always, if there’s something you think is wrong, or you’d like to send me hatemail, the email address is on the Contact Us page!

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Have read many articles and posts about CNC, sometimes it stems from trauma. If this is the case with your woman, make sure she’s really OK going into CNC. Know that even if there is no trauma, she will need aftercare. Now, lets talk about CNC itself.

Consensual non-consent is all about forcing yourself onto your partner. Some people refer to this as rape-play, but I prefer CNC. Rape-play has too many negative connotations, in my opinion. So, She wants you to force yourself onto her. This means when she says no, you keep going. She she squirms away, you pull her back. She tries to fight, and you pin her arms down and force her. Your mindset needs to be not to hurt her, but to please her by forcing her to do your bidding.

For me, this seems daunting. I don’t want to hurt my SO, but CNC would involve hurting her to some extent. With roughness that comes with CNC, some of this will happen. Bruises, red marks, things like that are bound (ha – a pun) to happen as the CNC progresses through the scene. Knowing this going in will help deal with the marks afterward.

The “non-consent” aspect of this arrangement means the dom needs to force the sub to perform. Consent was given previously by the sub, the dom needs to force the issue until a safe word or safe action is used. The sub wants this, and watching her body will be telltale to you that she’s into it even when she’s struggling. A CNC scene can be elaborate if the couple desires. He can dress as an actual attacker. After she falls asleep he can sneak in and wake her in the attack. It’s up to the couple to decide on the realism and spontaneity of the scene.

Another important note about CNC is that for rape victims it can be therapeutic. The rape victim will be able to start associating something pleasurable with the experience. The important aspect of CNC is that the dom respect her limits. Making sure she has control of the events (vagina may be OK, anal may not) will help associate control with the event. The scene needs to be totally controlled by the sub. If the dom cannot respect this, or makes the sub feel disrespected, then the scene should stop.

As you think about this essential advice for CNC in your bedroom and you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

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The key question today is about consent. Are you being given consent or taking it? After describing a BDSM scene with sex, she talks about loving it, but only in the heat of the moment. So, realizing this, she’s coming to terms with here past and her present. Some of the things she discusses are things that would break anyone’s trust. For example, he didn’t listen to her about her own orgasms and continued to use lube she told him she was allergic to. Also, he would require that she tell him he’s the biggest and the best she’s ever been with. All of these things are clearly red flags!

So, how do we get over this? BDSM is fun, I enjoy it with my SO. While we do enjoy rougher sex, it doesn’t mean it’s abuse. She give me her consent, I do not take it. Earning her trust and consent is one of the sexiest things she can give me.

Guilt in pleasure is something no one wants to have to deal with. So, we need to find ways to deal with our past while not feeling guilty about things that make us feel good. With that in mind, talking to your partner is the best place to start.

When I discuss consent, I’m always talking about informed consent. Informed consent is knowing that both partners understand what all the terms and actions mean. Consent is given only after both parties are satisfied that both parties are informed and understand.

If this has happened to your partner, there are things that you can do to help her feel safe and free to feel good. For example, asking her permission before sex even starts to try a few things. Want to choke her, toss her around, us a finger in her ass while you fuck her, ask before sex. Consent is sexy, and so is verbalizing the things you want to do to her. Trust me men, this will be very sexy for her. But more than that, it puts the control in her hands. She’s going to be able to enjoy the sex with you because your desire to get her permission and your desire to to those things to her are hot.

This bring us to aftercare. Getting permission before is sexy, but so is aftercare. Read the linked post for more information if you’d like. But the gist of the post is that you need to help your submissive after sex as they come out of their subspace.

As always, if you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

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SubSpace

When a person goes into a submissive place mentally, they are going to a submissive headspace. They have given over to you control of their body and their pleasure. They trust you completely. Some people refer to this submission as “subspace”. There are different types of subspace, with some of them lasting hours while others can last days. I know from my experience, if we are on a vacation with just us it can last days.

As with every part of your sex life, this will require deep, trusting communication. I link to that post about communication on every subsequent post because it’s the most important part of sex. Trust and communication are absolutely tantamount to a successful dom/sub (D/s) relationship. The submissive is placing her trust in you to please her. She’s trusting you with her body, mind and her pleasure. It takes a huge amount of faith and trust that you aren’t going to abuse that trust, and that mental “place” is her subspace.

This is where foreplay comes in. Having your partner be comfortable, but submissive, is a good place to be. You can read this post about tying your woman to the bed about foreplay and it’s importance physically. Mentally, this time will be for your sub to get into her subspace. Subspace will put her into an almost trance-like state. She will literally be there for your use, you can fuck her how you want (within the communicated limits). I know in my case, the limits are different when she’s in subspace. She communicates this to me using small verbal and physical clues that you will have to work out with your sub, or just be attentive.

Scene

A “scene” is what a BDSM session is referred to in the community. It is not the act itself, but the whole session where she’s submitting to you. It will include foreplay, discipline (if you are in to that), one or several sex acts, then aftercare. While in subspace, your sub will probably react differently to things that are happening to her. She will react differently to pain and pleasure when she’s in this subspace. In my experience, pain tolerance goes up and pleasure is amplified. This is because she’s not thinking about anything but the sex act and expecting pleasure, she’s in subspace.

Once the scene is done, and you’ve both had your orgasms or the goals of the scene have been accomplished, it’s time for aftercare. When coming out of subspace, you will need to care for your submissive. Hold her, kiss her, let her know and feel that you are there for her. She’s very literally coming down from a high. Tell her she did a good job, praise her performance. Hold her tight and kiss her gently. Cover her body with a blanket. Get her water. Take off the restraints. All these things will help her come back out of subspace. Some couples will use this time to give the submissive an orgasm. We do not separate her orgasm from the BDSM session in my experience.

Avoiding Sub-Drop

All the things above will help pull her back to reality and re-ground her. Not making sure your sub is OK with aftercare can cause a sub-drop or “The Mondays”. It’s from the adrenaline and endorphin crashes that are normal after a scene. Aftercare is an effort to buoy those feelings and fight the tendency for the sub to feel depressed. Sometimes, a sub drop happens despite your best efforts. Try mild exercise or chocolate, as they both release endorphins. Sunshine will also help, increasing vitamin D.

I’ve tried to have great advice for aftercare for your submissive partner. As always, if you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

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