How to Talk About Sex

Talking about sex means you have to open up and be vulnerable.  That is a scary thing.  But when you talk about sex, it’s very healthy for your relationship.  You need to be prepared to hear things you might not like to hear.  Look for things to change to make sex better.

Talking about sex is difficult because it’s a sensitive subject.  We will talk about hurting feelings later.  Have a list of things you like and dislike, and be prepared to discuss what you like about each thing.  Actually have a list.  This conversation will wander around and will very likely get sidetracked.  So, having a list will help you discuss everything you want to talk about.  On this list, have specific things listed.  For example, don’t just say “I like missionary” but say “I like missionary because I can watch you cum and play with your clit”.  Be specific.

When you discuss the things you like and dislike, it’s important to keep in mind the positive versus negative outlook discussed above.  Listen and watch for your partners reaction.  If you are into ageplay and your partner is clearly uncomfortable with it, then don’t push.  If they seem open to it, that’s OK too.

When you talk about sex, bring up things you like and things you don’t.  Talk about what you want to try and what turns you on.  Bringing up things you have always wanted to try is hot and shows trust.

When and Where to Talk About Sex

When and where to talk about sex can be tricky.  Most things should be discussed outside the bedroom, not during sex.  Think of it like that because you don’t want pressure during the sex session, and you don’t want the emotional aspect of the discussion to ruin the moment.  It’s OK that some things are hard to talk about.  That’s a good sign, some discomfort is usually a sign of growth and stretching your boundaries.

Outside the Bedroom

One of the most productive places to talk about sex is outside the bedroom.  Places like a quiet dinner or lunch, a drive, or a walk are all great places to talk about your sex life.

Wherever you are comfortable and together, in a place where conversation flows easily, sex can be brought up and discussed without any performance pressures to go along with the conversation.  Over a meal is a great place to talk about sex.  It sounds silly, but it’s a great place.  If you are at home, you can each pull out your lists and just start talking!  Each new thing will spark discussions, you’ll learn each other’s boundaries and know what they like (and don’t) that you are currently doing.

Inside The Bedroom

If you are comfortable talking about sex during the act, that is awesome.  Asking what she likes while you are in the act can really get some detail notes for you to remember.  For example, during cunninglingus, asking if it feels better to lick on the right or left side of the clirotal hood is a detail you can learn.  Nina Hartley talks about this in her book “Nina Hartley’s Guide Total Sex“.  Most women prefer a side, which side does your partner prefer?

If you aren’t comfortable talking during sex you can still talk about it in the bedroom!  Just be prepared for things to possibly lead to trying out some of the things you are discussing.  That would be a fun ending to a good talk.

Talk about Sex without Hurting Feelings

Talking about sex is difficult because it’s a sensitive subject.   Each person needs to be prepared to hear things that you might not like to hear.  But, you need to get clarification on things that you aren’t clear about.  Your feelings may get hurt.  She may tell you that she doesn’t like when you do something you thought she liked quite a bit.

Your partner is trusting you that you will have a discussion about things.  It’s important to listen with an open mind.  Sometimes phrasing will make all the difference.  Phrasing things with a positive connotation is always better than saying things with a negative spin.  For example, “I prefer when you lick here” is better than “Don’t lick there”.  One has a negative connotation and one does not, but even if you hear something that sounds negative know that it’s still OK to hear it.  Sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable for both partners.  Talking about it and not getting defensive is difficult, but worth it!

Conclusion

The outcome from talking about sex with your partner is that you will communicate better, and should lead to better sex as well.  There might be a hurdle between some bruised feelings to the better sex, but bruises heal and better sex is repeatable!

The goal of talking about sex is to open up more.  Seeing the number of people posting questions online where the answer is “Talk to your partner” is more than can be counted!  I understand it’s not something people come by easily, putting yourself out there is placing a lot of trust in your partner.   It’s a great way to build on a relationship!

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Permission and Communication

Getting your partners permission to record the sex session is paramount.  If there is an expectation of privacy, then legally permission is required.  Personally, if you ever want your partner to trust you again, get permission.  Not getting permission is a really shitty thing to do.  Get Permission.  Make it clear with what will happen with the video, where it will be stored, and how it will be kept private.

Some other things to think about are what is said during the sex session during the recording.  The positions your SO might like to see or not see.  Things you want to see recorded or not see recorded.  There may be positions your partner doesn’t want filmed, or certain sex acts they might not want on film.

Setup

Setup can be as complicated or simple as you’d like.  Using just your phones camera works, as does a 3 camera setup with lights and sound.  Using your phone is going to be the go to method to grab footage.  They make small tripods that you can get at Amazon.  They come with a clamp that holds your phone, and that particular one has a bluetooth remote included.  You can also get a clamp mechanism to connect your phone to a standard tripod.  The issue most people want to avoid is editing.  That can be very time consuming and eats up a lot of space.

Your setup will dictate the kind of video you end up with.  Having a tripod will be more like watching 3rd person porn.  Holding the camera/phone will allow you to have more of a POV porn.  Part of communicating with your partner is what you want to end up with, so think about this with your setup.

Location

One of the things to consider is location.  Do you want to try something quick in the car?  Go camping?  Rent a hotel room so none of your personal things are visible, which would help with security.

Recording

When you start recording, make sure your partner knows what’s going on.  Based on what you communicated when you discussed permission and communication, you should be prepared to start and stop recording.  Alternatively, you can have a more planned out session where you’ve agreed to only do acts X and Y.  Maybe you just want a POV of a blowjob, maybe you want to record doggy style and that’s it.  Those are all OK, just communicate and make sure everyone is having a good time.

The vast majority of your homemade porn will be done on a phone.  That’s just the reality of what’s easily available to most people.  Before you record, make sure you have thought through your photo sharing situation, and the automatic backups and who has access to them as well.

Storage and Privacy

Once you get the footage off your device, you can store it on USB, your computer, or keep it in the cloud.  There are a lot of options and depending on your comfort level, they offer varying levels of security.

Keeping your files on a USB drive is probably the most secure.  You can keep a small USB drive hidden easily.  There are open source and paid programs to secure them, and some USB sticks are secure by design.  Keeping the videos on your computer is probably the second most secure.  But, that depends on you how secure you keep your computer.  Do you always lock it, or can the kids login under your username?  Can they see your files logged in as themselves?  The next is having it stored in the cloud.  Amazon Photos, Google Photos, Apple iCloud, Microsoft One Drive, all these can store your videos easily, and all allow some security between access and security.

You have to discuss this, and then come up with a solution that you are both comfortable with for storage.  Maybe it’s a combination, and you end up with some online and others stay at home on a USB drive in a safe.  There’s not wrong answer, just think about it and discuss it, finding what’s best for you and your partner.

If you have decided to try to obscure your faces or other things from the video, there are some options out there.  They vary from on the phone to software you download on your Mac/PC.  None of them look particularly complicated, so adding that to your video shouldn’t be too difficult.

Conclusion

As you can see, there is quite a bit to talk about and decide!  So, before you jump in and start recording, the key is to talk first!  Pretty coon, you might have a library to look at while you are alone, or maybe play in the background while you are both enjoying each other as well.

If you see anything that you’d like to discuss, reach out to us using the information on the Contact Page!

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We’ve posted about communication before.  You can see all of our posts about communication here.  Communication needs to be open and honest.  Also, it should probably not happen in the heat of the moment.  Talking about sex shouldn’t be limited to the bedroom.  Talk about it when you are at dinner, or driving around.  It’s really good to discuss your needs and wants.  Sex is a very important part of a relationship.  It’s OK to talk about it and discuss it with your partner!

Limits to her submissiveness

Every submissive will have limits to their submission.  So, discuss this with your partner.  She may not want to be verbally degraded.  Or, there may be words that are triggers for her.  Everyone is going to have limits.  As you discuss things with her, you need to make notes as to what she does and does not want to submit to.  Some women will fully submit, some will not.  People tend to think of the submissive partner as giving control over to the dom.  However, this is not the case.  In practice, the submissive partner is giving over control within their limits.

Remember, limits set by your partner are not exclusive to sex acts.  For example, she may want the lights on or off.  Everyone has different limits, and it’s important not to make her feel bad for having them.

Discussing Boundaries

Discuss boundaries with your submissive.  You need to know what her boundaries are even if she’s not a submitting to you.  But, with a submissive partner it’s even more important.  So, you’ll need to find out what her boundaries are for what sex acts she might enjoy.  Obviously not an exhaustive list, but a partner submitting to you might want to be tied to the bed, or anal.  Maybe, she wants come consensual non-consent (which really requires a LOT of communication).  This is why it’s so important to communicate.

Having all these discussions about her boundaries is really all about consent.  The submissive is actually the person that has the most control in the dom/sub dynamic.  Yes, she’s giving you control for the acts, but only within the boundaries and limits she has set.

Green/Yellow/Red Lights

The light system between you and your submissive is so important, there’s a whole post about it.  Your submissive needs to communicate to you what her go, caution, and stop words or actions are.  Typically, the go words are just simply to communicate “don’t stop”.  With the yellow light, there needs to be communication as to what that means to you as a couple.  The “yellow light” word should be something that makes you both slow down and think about what’s being said and done.  There are a myriad of reasons either of you may need to slow down during sex.  As they say, shit happens.

The red light, in my opinion is the most important light to know.  The “stop” word needs a non-verbal communication as well as verbal.  She needs to be able to communicate to you to stop no matter what is going on.  The last thing you want is a situation where your partner cannot verbally communicate to you to stop.  So, having verbal and nonverbal cues is extremely important.

When Will She be Submissive?

Discussing when the submissive will be submitting to you is important as well.  There are some dom/sub relationships that are 24/7 where the submissive is literally submitting all day.  There’s a “free use” submission where one or both parters are available for any sexual contact at any time.  Then there’s the most common dom/sub relationship, where the submissive is submitting only during a sex scene or session.  Deciding when she’ll be submitting to you is just as important as the limits and boundaries set by both of you.

More about a dom/sub relationship can be found in this article on healthline.com.  They do list some rules and have great suggestions, but the message stays the same.  Communicate with your partner about your wants, needs, limits and boundaries.

If you have anything to add to this, please don’t hesitate to let us know.  Use the “Contact Page” link at the top of the page.

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Listening In Your Sex Life

Listening in your sex life is an important area to being the best listener you can be.  Listening for what your partner is saying beyond the face value.  When I think back to my experiences, there were a lot of hints that my SO likes to be submissive to me.  Until we communicated about it very bluntly, I didn’t pick up on the hints.  For example, if your partner responds with “yes” a lot, or uses submissive or dominant phrasing, we need to pick up on that.  I would still strongly suggest having a blunt discussion about what you want and need from your sex life.  But, that’s not always the easiest thing.  Listening beyond the words and learning to decode the non-verbal cues is important for us to learn.

Submissive Language

Submissiveness is when you like to be directed and told what to do.  For example, if you respond to simple direct instructions with a “yes” or a silent move to do what your told, that’s a submissive sign.

Dominant Language

Dominant is to be in charge.  Language that will be used would be giving instructions, saying things with an expectation of action, or using your hands to direct your partner.  These are things that dominant person would do.  There will be a post soon with more about a submissive/dominant relationship.

Blunt Language

At some point, you and your partner are going to need to be blunt with each other about your sex life.  My partner knows that my ability to take a hint is improving, but started at basically zero.  She is very good at being blunt with me and me with her.  Being blunt has helped us find new things about our sex life, for example our dom/sub dynamic.  Our blunt conversations started because of some things I noticed in her behavior, and her learning that I don’t take hints well.

Being the best listener you can be is part of being the best partner you can be.  You want to be the best partner you can be.  This includes your sex life, so listen to improve your sex life!  If you have any suggestions or would like to tell me how I’ve failed, contact us through the Contact Us page!

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Frequency

Sex Frequency is often posted about on advice forums that are sexually focussed.  When thinking about what is the right frequency and duration for sex is, we should discuss frequency first.  The posts are always about the high sex drive partner wanting more sex than the low sex drive partner.  A low sex drive can have several causes.  For example, low sex drive can be from a hormone issue, or a relationship problem, or stress in one or both of your lives.

Hormones

Hormones drive our lives.  They control our emotions, our hunger, and our sex drives.  The main driver for sex drive is testosterone.  Women and men both have testosterone.  A low level of testosterone will cause issues with your sex drive, but it can be remedied.  There are several methods available to fix someone with low-T, and the test is a simple blood draw.  Hormones are discussed in this post on my blog as well.

Relationship Issues

Relationship issues can cause stress on a couple which manifests in a lowered desire for sex.  All relationships have their difficulties, so we must learn to communicate effectively.  This blog has several posts about communication and learning to communicate.  Arguments that go unresolved tend to fester and create issues that worsen the longer we wait to communicate.  From health matters to attitude changes, simply talk about your issues.  So, it’s important to remember this as you progress in a relationship.

Outside Stress

So, outside the relationship there are a lot of things that can stress a couple.  Stress does not always come from within the relationship.  Work, family, weather, there are a lot of things that cause problems.  Talking to your partner about these things will help alleviate the stress.  But, because the stress is from outside the relationship, talking about the problem generally won’t fix the problem.  However, talking about it will help both partners deal with the issue themselves.

Duration

The duration of a sex session is another hot topic online.  There are polls that have been completed on the subject.  According to a healthline survey, several time limits were found for vaginal sex.  2 minutes was considered too short while 10 to 30 minutes was too long.  The survey found that 7 to 13 minutes was the ideal time for vaginal sex.

The survey asks about penetrative sex.  This doesn’t count foreplay, cuddling, prep time, or any of the other things that are part of a normal session.  I would guess that at LEAST 30 minutes is what most of us would consider normal for a quick session, and hours for a long session.  Sex is intimate, and sharing that intimacy shouldn’t have a time limit.

If you can think of anything that is missing or needs more attention on this or any post, please contact us using the contact us page!

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Communicate Your Needs

Getting what you need starts by communicating what your needs are. If your partner isn’t doing something you need, you need to communicate with them. Knowing your needs is the first step in this process. While this does seem logical, it is often skipped. When you are thinking about your needs, seperate your needs from your wants. For example, you may need physical stimulation to get hard. Communicate that to your partner clearly. She needs to touch you to get you hard. Knowing your sexual needs and communicating them is very important.

Wants Versus Needs

Knowing your wants versus your needs is something you need to think about as well. Needs are things that you can’t function without, wants are things you like. Some men need emotional attachment to have sex. Some men want to eat their partners ass. That’s an example of needs versus wants.

When discussing all this with your partner, always discuss needs before wants. Because they are more important, you need to lead with them. Do not talk over your partner when they start to discuss their needs as well. this means you need to be listening and paying attention when she talks. Make notes if you have to. I’ve said it so many times, but sex is important and should be afforded that level of importance.

Discussing wants is where things get really fun. It’s important here to take notes and be specific. Tell your partner what you want to do to her. Tell her what you want her to do to you. But, you need to know exactly what you are asking for, specifically. In other words, if you want a blowjob before sex, tell her. If you have a fetish for her swallowing your cum, tell her. If she tells you that she wants you to eat her pussy once a week, then you do that until she finishes all over your face.

Being Prepared for the consequences

As it always is, there is a chance that your needs or wants will not line up with something your partner won’t do. If that’s the case, you need to decide if that’s OK with you. Sexual tastes and interests change over time. Your partner may change her mind, she may not. You need to be OK with either decision, or be prepared to move on in the relationship. You can read hundreds of testimonials online where partners have changed their sexual appetites years into the relationship.

By communicating your needs and wants, and being open to all your partners needs and wants, your sex life will improve. Don’t be afraid to communicate with your partner. By communicating your needs and wants and listening to her needs and wants, you will be getting what you need.

As with every post, please leave us feedback on what you love, hate, despise or just think is plain wrong. You can do so here!

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Some of the big blowjob obstacles that can reduce her desire to please are you attitude and grooming. Jordan Grey has an excellent post about getting more BJ’s from your partner. If you act like she owes you head, you are already losing. You want her to want to suck your dick. Keep it clean, keep your hair trimmed (if she likes that). Be positive when it’s happening and don’t complain!

The big things I would point out in this situation is to not be negative, and to communicate non-verbally during the BJ itself. You know when your partner is having a good time, she communicates non verbally during sex! So should you during a blowjob. Moan, grunt, say something when things feel good. Make good sounds when good things happen, make bad sounds when bad things happen. She’s listening, she’s pleasing you, so she’s trying to make you happy. If this seems weird to you (and it did to me for a long time) then you need to realize that it’s just like you going down on her. You want to please her!

Not being negative is something that is a big deal. It seems really logical. But, in the heat of the moment sometimes we say things we don’t mean. Or how we don’t mean them. Which is why it’s a good idea to discuss these things before or after, not during the blowjob. Just be open, be direct, and communicate what you like. Do not critique her technique, she wants to please you. Say things like “I like it when you lick right under my head” and not being negative about it. When you communicate about it, you need to be open with her about what she likes and wants and needs when you go down on her.

It’s important that we don’t expect blowjobs. They aren’t magic. Life isn’t pornography. Every time your dick comes out it doesn’t’ mean it needs to be sucked. Not every woman likes giving head, while some enjoy it a great deal. This is where communicating your needs and wants are so important. I know in my relationship, all I have to do is ask for one and there’s a 99% chance I’ll get one. It’s like this because we have such a great, open relationship and we talk and communicate so well. It’s not magic, it takes work. But it’s worth every ounce of effort.

Some of these conversations are hard. I would strongly suggest, as Jordan Grey does, that you set aside time specifically for this. Specifically to talk about your sex life. Don’t limit it to a single act, and I would strongly suggest you each prepare a list. Actually write it down. Being organized about your thoughts and being intentional about it is a good thing. It is not a list of things she’s doing wrong or unfulfilled needs, although it’s OK to bring up unfulfilled needs. Jordan also make a great point when she discusses your approach, don’t say “I want more blowjobs” but frame it as something you can both work together, like “I want our sex life to be vibrant and fun, how can we get back to that”. “I want more blowjobs” invites more of a tit-for-tat conversation, which brings me to another great point.

Sometimes getting head is tit-for-tat. It doesn’t have to be a 1:1 exchange. But, it does need to be equitable. If you are not going down on her, it’s likely not on her mind that you are lacking. Again, it’s not something that you should have to earn. It’s something you want to be given freely. A BJ that’s given is a thousand times better than a BJ that’s obligatory or coerced.

The following points need to be your take aways from this post:

• Stay clean and well groomed
• Be positive in your vocal and non-vocal communication
• Be direct in your conversations about sex
• Set aside dedicated time to communicate what you want from your sex life
• Giving oral is as important as receiving it.

If you have anything you’d like to add to this, please contact us at the contact us page, or comment on this post! We would love to hear from you and get your thoughts on what’s been said or even a critique.

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Being vocal doesn’t come naturally for us. I think it’s because of our masturbation habits. I know it sounds funny. Being quiet while cumming is something we train ourselves to do. Even the experiences that feel incredible, we have trained ourselves to be silent.

To break this habit, we need to form a new one. We need to understand that it’s OK to make noise. If you like it when your woman is vocal, then she’ll like it when you are. Start by moaning and telling her that feels good. It feels weird at first, but you’ll get used to it. And as you get more accustomed to making noises, you’ll get more and more vocal naturally. It just takes time.

Communicating with your partner about any fears or problems you may have might help you deal with your apprehension. Listen to the noises your woman makes in bed. Use your partner as inspiration in this regard. Very likely, she’s not apprehensive at all about noise. So follow her lead and make some noise.

Medium.com has a good article about men being vocal. The article explains what Emma (the writer) did to get her partner to make more noise. Primarily, they communicated about it. He expressed that he found it embarrassing. Emma equates sex with a silent man to a man fucking a “starfish” partner. That’s someone that doesn’t move, just lies there like a starfish. She says that being vocal shows appreciation for the work your partner is putting in. It shows her that you are enjoying her body and the fuck itself.

Emma also encourages this as a method of communication. Use the sounds you make to show your partner what’s working for you and what’s not. Vocalizing is healthy, and she will learn to respond to what is working and what’s not. Make good noises when she’s doing what you like or what feels good. Make other noises or tell her when things don’t feel as good.

I know I sound like a broken record, but it’s all about communicating. If you don’t agree, or want me to cover a specific subject, check out our Contact Us page and send me a message!

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Communication is a two way street. We have to pay attention to our ladies, and how they communicate with us. Some of the people in my life communicate through words. Others through actions. I’m sure you realize, most people are a combination of the two. But they will prefer one method over the other. As my SO can attest to, I am a talker. She is not. If your SO doesn’t communicate the way you do, that’s OK. You just need to keep that in mind as you listen or watch them.

With someone that isn’t a talker, you are going to need to pay attention when she does start talking. When the conversation starts, you will need to really listen, because she doesn’t just talk to talk. Listening is a skill, just like talking is. Being a good, attentive listener is difficult. You need to be listening to comprehend, not listening to reply. What I mean by that is that you need to listen to understand what she’s saying. Not listening and thinking about how you can reply to her words. Even if it means there’s silence when she’s done talking, that’s OK. Saying nothing is much better than saying the wrong thing.

Listening. It’s something some would say is a lost art. Good Choices Good Life has a good article on this. In their article, they discuss how we filter, how we handle being hurt in conversation, and listening techniques. Being able to communicate effectively means being able to see these biases. Once you see them in yourself, you can correct them.

Their article (which you should read) explains that we filter sometimes based on our past. When we do that we are not listening to the words anymore, we are emotionally reaction to the past. Another example is being per-occupied with your reply, distracting your from listening. When conversation gets emotional, it’s difficult not falling into that trap. This segues to emotions and excitement in conversations. It’s difficult to have every conversation not have some element of emotion. Handling your emotions during a conversation is important. It’s important to getting to a resolution in the conversation.

Listening is only one component of effective communication. You have to learn to communicate your thoughts effectively as well. You need to be non-confrontational about it. Saying things like “you need to” is confrontational. Rephrase to say things like “I would prefer it if you” or simply “I prefer”. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Small changes like these are easy to make, and can make a big difference how your conversations go.

You want your conversations, especially ones about sex, to not have negative connotations. In the next post, again about communicating, we’ll talk about some things that you can do to make it go easier.

As always, if you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

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Communicating with your partner brings you closer together. Sharing desires, wants, needs, all works to bring you closer together as a couple. I know that sometimes it’s very difficult to share your deepest desires. Fear of rejection is very real. And while you are communicating with your partner, you need to read her limits as well. You need to read her sensitivity to your fantasies before you just express them. Expressing fantasies that are a hard line no for your partner is counter productive.

Fantasies are exciting and fun. Sharing them with your SO can make them a reality. Communicating with your SO about your fantasies should be fun! Talking about what you both want from your sex life is a very healthy thing to do. You should be able to hear what your woman fantasizes about. It’s important that you listen and not judge. Fantasies are just that, fantasies. I’m sure there are women that fantasize about being gang banged but would never go through with it. Feeling safe and secure enough to express that is trust. She’s trusting you to let her express that fantasy without judging her.

We need to react to her fantasies the same way you need her to react to yours. There’s nothing wrong with having hard limits. For example, you might not want to ever allow another partner in the bedroom. If your SO suggests that her fantasy is to be DP’d, there’s a way around that. You can use toys to simulate this, and most fantasies. Adding toys and “equipment” to your sex life can be so much fun. It’s important not to be intimidated by them, some men can have problems with it.

When you are sharing your fantasies with your partner, don’t be afraid. It’s important to be reassuring and to expect the same reaction you afforded her. Sometimes it can be shocking, and that’s OK. It’s also important to be able to express your fantasies in a healthy way. No ultimatums, nothing like that. Express what you’d like. For example, if you would like to tie her up and dominate her, say so. If you’d like to be pegged by her, express that.

I feel a longer post coming on about more communication, not just about sex. A lot of my posts assume there’s a healthy relationship dynamic to begin with. But some need help getting there and starting the ball rolling. I’ve watched marriages fail over poor communication skills. Helping keep a partnership alive and healthy is the best way to have your best sex life!

As always, if you have questions, check out our Contact Page and shoot us a message. We’d love to hear from you!

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