How to Talk About Sex!

Talking about sex seems to be a stumbling block seen a lot online.  Reading through social media comments, you can see people struggling with questions.  Most of these can be answered with “talk to your partner”.  But how and when, and how do you keep your feelings from getting hurt?  There’s other posts on here about communicating, each with a different focus.  This post should help you decide when and where to talk about sex, and how.  We will try to touch on how to suggest things without hurting anyone’s feelings as well.

How to Talk About Sex

Talking about sex means you have to open up and be vulnerable.  That is a scary thing.  But when you talk about sex, it’s very healthy for your relationship.  You need to be prepared to hear things you might not like to hear.  Look for things to change to make sex better.

Talking about sex is difficult because it’s a sensitive subject.  We will talk about hurting feelings later.  Have a list of things you like and dislike, and be prepared to discuss what you like about each thing.  Actually have a list.  This conversation will wander around and will very likely get sidetracked.  So, having a list will help you discuss everything you want to talk about.  On this list, have specific things listed.  For example, don’t just say “I like missionary” but say “I like missionary because I can watch you cum and play with your clit”.  Be specific.

When you discuss the things you like and dislike, it’s important to keep in mind the positive versus negative outlook discussed above.  Listen and watch for your partners reaction.  If you are into ageplay and your partner is clearly uncomfortable with it, then don’t push.  If they seem open to it, that’s OK too.

When you talk about sex, bring up things you like and things you don’t.  Talk about what you want to try and what turns you on.  Bringing up things you have always wanted to try is hot and shows trust.

When and Where to Talk About Sex

When and where to talk about sex can be tricky.  Most things should be discussed outside the bedroom, not during sex.  Think of it like that because you don’t want pressure during the sex session, and you don’t want the emotional aspect of the discussion to ruin the moment.  It’s OK that some things are hard to talk about.  That’s a good sign, some discomfort is usually a sign of growth and stretching your boundaries.

Outside the Bedroom

One of the most productive places to talk about sex is outside the bedroom.  Places like a quiet dinner or lunch, a drive, or a walk are all great places to talk about your sex life.

Wherever you are comfortable and together, in a place where conversation flows easily, sex can be brought up and discussed without any performance pressures to go along with the conversation.  Over a meal is a great place to talk about sex.  It sounds silly, but it’s a great place.  If you are at home, you can each pull out your lists and just start talking!  Each new thing will spark discussions, you’ll learn each other’s boundaries and know what they like (and don’t) that you are currently doing.

Inside The Bedroom

If you are comfortable talking about sex during the act, that is awesome.  Asking what she likes while you are in the act can really get some detail notes for you to remember.  For example, during cunninglingus, asking if it feels better to lick on the right or left side of the clirotal hood is a detail you can learn.  Nina Hartley talks about this in her book “Nina Hartley’s Guide Total Sex“.  Most women prefer a side, which side does your partner prefer?

If you aren’t comfortable talking during sex you can still talk about it in the bedroom!  Just be prepared for things to possibly lead to trying out some of the things you are discussing.  That would be a fun ending to a good talk.

Talk about Sex without Hurting Feelings

Talking about sex is difficult because it’s a sensitive subject.   Each person needs to be prepared to hear things that you might not like to hear.  But, you need to get clarification on things that you aren’t clear about.  Your feelings may get hurt.  She may tell you that she doesn’t like when you do something you thought she liked quite a bit.

Your partner is trusting you that you will have a discussion about things.  It’s important to listen with an open mind.  Sometimes phrasing will make all the difference.  Phrasing things with a positive connotation is always better than saying things with a negative spin.  For example, “I prefer when you lick here” is better than “Don’t lick there”.  One has a negative connotation and one does not, but even if you hear something that sounds negative know that it’s still OK to hear it.  Sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable for both partners.  Talking about it and not getting defensive is difficult, but worth it!

Conclusion

The outcome from talking about sex with your partner is that you will communicate better, and should lead to better sex as well.  There might be a hurdle between some bruised feelings to the better sex, but bruises heal and better sex is repeatable!

The goal of talking about sex is to open up more.  Seeing the number of people posting questions online where the answer is “Talk to your partner” is more than can be counted!  I understand it’s not something people come by easily, putting yourself out there is placing a lot of trust in your partner.   It’s a great way to build on a relationship!